I’m in a relationship with a man who’s unhappily married, and has wanted to leave his wife for some time.
I’m divorced. We met a couple of months after I learned that my husband had been cheating on me.
My lover’s a work associate who detected my own unhappiness, and became kind and helpful to me when our jobs brought us together.
Our affair started five months after I separated from my husband. I then divorced as soon after as possible.
Three years later, I’m free, looking to the future (and hopefully to having a family), but he hasn’t made the move he once kept talking about.
When I ask if we can make plans, there’s always an excuse like Easter, or a visit from his parents who live far away, etc.
He still lives at home with his wife and two children (they’re 13 and 15).
He sees me a couple of nights a week (telling his family that he’s “working late”) and also has me meet him on his bi-monthly business trips.
The benefits are his passion for me, and constant promises of a life together, but I’m alone a lot, too. And I now doubt him.
Is it just a matter of waiting till he can get over the guilt of leaving his children? Or, this an empty promise?
The Other Woman
All the time you’re “waiting,” he has the perfect set-up –the kids, the appearance of a solid marriage, and you for passion breaks.
But your loneliness and doubts are starting to outweigh any passing benefits.
He caught you when you were most vulnerable, but now you’re free to build a new future. There’s little likelihood of it happening with him.
Meanwhile, you’ve participated in the same unhappy scenario your husband brought to you – cheating.
His wife could be as unaware and innocent as you were back then.
Get back to being your own woman, not just this man’s tidy solution.
I don’t really know when this started, but I've wanted to be a fetish sex slave for a long time.
I've reached out to strangers and never followed through with that.
I've worshiped both women's and men's feet in my time.
I like women more, but if a guy wanted to dominate me, I wouldn't say no.
I don't know how to bring this up with my wife, she isn't naturally dominant.
Wanting Dominant Partner
It’s better and safer to raise this with your wife, than with a stranger who might carry the practices of dominance to extremes.
Since feet are the most common fetish object, introduce wanting to add to your sexual playbook together by first suggesting foot worship.
Your familiarity from the past with this fetish makes it easy for you to explain and demonstrate.
Then, before raising the idea of her being dominant with you during sex, be sure your own understanding of dominant behaviour - and of what’s acceptable to you - is clear.
Example: A couple should mutually agree on “safety” words that serve as a signal to stop. And no act of dominance should cut off your ability to breathe.
If your wife is put off by these suggestions, consider whether there’s an element of dangerous thrill-seeking here that you should discuss with a therapist.
Perhaps the very fact that you don’t know when this desire started, is an important clue to share with a professional counsellor.
If you don’t understand your own motivation, it’s harder to trust someone else with risky sex.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who was dumped when she finally agreed to sex (March 26):
Reader – “She was initially clear she didn't want sex. After agreeing to friends with benefits, he treated her terribly.
“She should run, not walk, from this man and get proper counselling so this never happens to her again, and to help her develop a healthy sense of self.
“She must be feeling shamed and devastated after this incident. She doesn’t need to go back for more.
“However, if she truly feels the need to try to call him to have closure, it’s critical that she have ongoing supportive therapy.
“If she’s contemplating returning to this relationship, she also needs support to understand why she wants/needs it.
“You made some good points re: her feelings of unfinished business.”
Ellie – Your views are also on point. We’re on the same page here, even if we express it differently.
Tip of the day:
A love affair based only on one partner’s present, without future plans, is unlikely to last.