For 25 years of marriage, our life was happy. But in 2007, a year after emigrating here, I was depressed as I only had a part-time survival job; back home I had a good job.

We had a bad conversation and two unhappy months. She asked me to go back home and build a house through a bank loan. Then, after several years we’ll return home, leaving our sons here.

I left for one year, finished the house. When I came back, she wasn’t in our apartment. My sons were in touch with her but never revealed her whereabouts. I email her weekly, and never get a response.

Suddenly, I received a divorce notice. I’m now father and mother to my sons – working hard to make them happy and pay the bills. I don’t want to forget her, she’s my everything – my love, my life, my motivation, my luck, my encouragement, my happiness, my sun and my moon. I couldn’t do anything without her.

Now I’m mentally, emotionally and physically heading downward. My only dream is reunion with her. What can I do?

- True Love

These major upheavals affected your wife’s thinking: A changed country and culture, financial difficulties, a depressed husband, harsh words and an unhappy home environment. She may not have had the internal strength to adapt to so much, in her mid-life stage, and chose instead to flee. YOU are far more adaptable. 

Despite your troubles, you built a home, returned to work, and daily carry out your responsibilities for your children. Don’t abandon them. See a faith leader, or a counsellor in your community, to help you stay on course with the people who need you most.

Improve your physical health and mood by doing outdoor activities with your sons, and also by joining in local group activities such as a sport or interest, where you can be with other people.

Also, see a doctor to find out if you need medication or other treatment to get you past your low periods.

My son and his wife are expecting their fourth child, yet are already financially strapped, and have a too small home. If I help out too much, my wife and I won’t have enough for our old age.

- Worried

Help out with your time, whenever possible, and give your love, unconditionally. 

I’m in a 28-year on and off relationship with a man 15 years my senior; he’s 77. He’s insensitive to my needs and somewhat controlling. 

I asked his close, married friend to intervene for me. This man showed sexual interest towards me. His obsession has caused some problems for me in the past - he’s asked me to be his paid mistress while I continue my relationship.

I wrote a letter, thanking him for intervening, but I also wrote that I’m not interested in a friendship with benefits. Still, he crossed the line and sexually harassed me.

Should I warn this man to drop his friendship with my “boyfriend” and I’ll keep his secret, or should I first tell my partner of the betrayal?

- Betrayed

Don’t add to the drama, unless his harassment persists. You refused his inappropriate offer, and that should end it. If not, then you must tell your boyfriend first, about his close friend’s behaviour… before he makes up some story that suggests you came on to him. 

In future: Ask yourself why you need intervention to stay in a relationship with someone insensitive and controlling?

If your partner doesn’t change, it’s likely to get worse.

Our friend consistently chooses men who treat her poorly; she thinks that if she’s patient and kind, they’ll eventually become the kind of men she wants. 

She isolates herself when involved. We miss her company, and worry that she’s cut off from those who care about her.

What’s the best way to be supportive of a friend with this pattern of relationships, while also being respectful of our friendships with her?

- Concerned Pals

The “pattern” is unfortunately common among insecure people, and these disappointing relationships lower their self-esteem even more. Catch her on the downturn – that’s when it’s most caring to recommend that she talk to a professional counsellor about why she’s attracted to this type and treatment. 

But during her relationships, push to maintain contact, and gently ask questions that make her think: e.g. “What’s good in this relationship for you?” “How does his behaviour make you feel?”