I’m so hurt that my crying’s interfering with sleep.
A month ago, my boyfriend of two years was asked to attend his friend's house to "witness their will."
He was specifically asked to come alone.
I’ve met this couple and been to their house often for dinner.
I didn't think anymore about it until tonight, when my boyfriend told me they got married that night and asked him to keep it a secret.
I burst into tears because my boyfriend didn't trust me to confide this to me.
I tried to explain how I feel excluded and insignificant.
His reaction was anger. He made it quite clear that they told him not to tell anyone. I feel like I've been punched in the stomach.
We're expected to attend the "wedding reception" in just days.
I’m so hurt that I was excluded from the secret wedding (there were no other guests besides my boyfriend).
I feel that as a couple we both should’ve been asked to attend.
Now I'm expected to bring a present, and smile, and offer congratulations, when I can't help but wonder why they don't like me.
Am I over reacting? Should I tell the couple how I feel? I'm afraid I’ll burst into tears instead of trying to smile and be happy for them, when I’m so deeply offended.
First, to my readers: The above question came to me with the explicit note “submitted confidentially.”
Others have asked me to answer their questions privately but this advice column and many others don’t work that way.
It’s a free exchange between the person who writes me, my answer, and those who read the column in newspapers and online.
No real names, personal email addresses, or home addresses are ever used, keeping the writer anonymous.
So I explained this to the writer and asked if she wanted me to publish our exchange. I also told her, “there’s a bigger issue in this story than just the secret wedding or whether they like you.”
She replied, saying I could publish her story:
“I realize now I was wrong about the couple excluding me. They’re not as close to me as they are with my boyfriend.
“I know not to take it personally, but I’m still very emotional. I’ve since found out that he lied to me several times to keep their secret.
“He should’ve told me the truth. A loving relationship cannot exist if you’re lying to your loved one.
“The couple kept the wedding a secret so they’d have time to get the wedding announcement printed and in the mail.
“They’ve now updated their Facebook page and left for their honeymoon.
“I was the first to congratulate them on Facebook.
“I will end my relationship with my boyfriend because I feel taken for granted and lying is unacceptable.”
Now we can think about this together, and I’m sure some readers will weigh in, too.
You’ve rightly recognized that when things happening in a relationship don’t feel right, making assumptions are counter-productive.
So is turning the episode on yourself, with “they don’t like me.”
Your boyfriend kept his friends’ secret, but treated you as second-place when he didn’t trust you with an explanation.
He may’ve thought he was doing the right thing for his friends, but his anger at you showed immaturity.
Your decision to end the relationship leads me to believe you had other doubts about him, making you so quick to tears and despair.
FEEDBACK Regarding the man whose wife threatened calling the police (Oct. 20):
Reader – “You assumed he did something "physically that turned her against you.”
“You suggested he go to anger management. Where’s that information? I picked up no anger in his tone.
“He’s now afraid to go near his own wife. Maybe she has her own insecurities or mental issues that she's taking out on him.”
Ellie – After reading tens of thousands of emailed questions, I do “pick up tone.” There are clues.
He wrote, “If a partner experiences a lousy sex act, that partner can report a sexual assault… all I did was kiss my wife and rub her butt.”
He stays with her, “because the next broad may create the same (results).
Maybe you don’t hear angry attitude there, but I do.
However, you make a true point: We don’t know the other side.
It would be instructive if his wife would choose to write it.
Tip of the day:
Lying is the slippery slope that easily plummets a relationship to its end.