I’m a man, 36, in an indirect relationship for two months, with a girl for who claims to be living with a roommate; he’s not quite her boyfriend. 

I made light conversation with her in a subway terminal, told her I’m looking for a friend/companion. She gave me her phone number, and I’ve been phoning her once a week.

She’s of a different race, which doesn’t bother me in the least, is always polite and seems to enjoy my phone calls.

However, it seems she’s trying to avoid having me “physically” around her.

I asked if I can visit her. She informed me about her roommate and that I must come over only during the daytime when he’s not there.

I feel like I’m stuck in a mud-hole.

- What to do?

Your head is sure stuck if you haven’t figured out that this girl is NOT free. 

There’s no “indirect relationship”… only an occasional phone connection which she was foolish to allow, since her “roommate” obviously holds sway over whom she sees.

Your bothering to mention her race is so unnecessary that it makes me wonder whether you’ve hyped up an imaginary, exotic romance in your own mind.

I recommend that you stop trying to get past her roommate (most likely her boyfriend, or her brother) and look for someone who’s truly available.

My husband is leaving me in June (we’re waiting until the children are out of school as we’ll both be moving). I still love him.  

We went through this before; he says he stayed then because he felt pressured by our therapist and me to do so, but he wishes otherwise.

He didn’t really buy into therapy, and also lied to the therapist about sexual abuse he suffered as a child (from a close relative).

It’s killing me to let him go. I built my life around him. We have two children.

I feel like I’m at a crossroads and have no way of knowing what to do. How do you let go of the love of your life?

We’re being civil and pleasant for the children; we’re also still having sex, something he’d like to continue even after we separate, but I don’t; I want to move so far away.

My family don’t understand and aren’t speaking to me; my colleagues dislike me due to internal political feuds at work.

I’ve never lived on my own; been responsible by myself. How do I begin? Should we up the separation date?

- Scared

You’re not “on your own,” you have children for whom you must be strong, responsible, thoughtful, and mature. Get back to your therapist and work on the steps to handling this situation, instead of waiting around feeling sorry for yourself. 

Stopping sex would be one important move to begin distancing yourself from dependency on a man who doesn’t want to be married to you. He’s likely more deeply troubled internally than you are, still shadowed by his childhood abuse and his relative’s betrayal.

Unfortunately, you appear to have cut off any support network; try mending some fences or reaching out to new friends, but do NOT barrage them with sad stories; instead, look for common interests.

“Waiting” for the move till school is out makes sense, but staying in limbo emotionally doesn’t. Get to a lawyer and learn your rights in this break-up, and be clear about your needs.

It’s time to build your life around you and the children.

At Christmas, for our family “grab bag” I received the name of my sister in-law and spent the allotted $50 on three items from a store which didn’t give gift receipts. But I had the original receipt if needed for returns.  

My sister-in-law only recently asked for the original receipt but I couldn’t find it.

Am I obligated to replace the two items that she doesn’t want and eat the cost myself?

- Confused

Two choices: You can shrug your shoulders and say, “too bad,” or you can rise above the cost issue, apologize for losing the receipt, and offer to take her to lunch or buy her flowers or a bottle of wine or send her a plant, instead. 

The former is a response you give when you don’t care about the relationship; the latter is how you make an effort to keep peace in a family. You choose.