I’ve been married 20+ years, raising four children mostly on my own, while my husband pursued his career.
During the first ten years, he had an affair. I took him back because of the children.
Later, he once left his Facebook page open and I saw his lewd comments to someone I knew. He said it was harmless, that I was snooping, but the woman’s response had popped up on the computer.
It was apparent they communicated often day/night - soul mates.
I know there were others. He gets very negative moods about the kids and me and says someone else makes him a "better person.”
I did snoop recently after cold, angry tirades about how the family (myself, who works as well, and the kids) uses him and he needs to enjoy life.
He’d sent several pictures of his penis to a woman with the subject, "I love you.” He’s always claimed she was his oldest friend. When confronted, he said it was a joke, I’m a prude, there was nothing going on.
We’ve had arguments about this friendship.
My kids knew of his affair and say that I don’t deserve his careless, foolish actions.
I cannot even look him in the face now.
We tried counselling after the first affair, but he walked out because the female therapist called him a bully. I’ve gone on my own.
Financially, I need this marriage as the last two kids are going off to university. He can be selfish and not help them.
Tormented but Staying
I understand the financial pull, but not enough to think you should endure humiliation and more flirting/affairs with disregard for your feelings OR the kids.
Get a good lawyer (privately at first, as your man is deceitful and likely so financially, too).
It’s unlikely a man with a good career can get away with no further education support for teenagers. Even if he could, you earn, there are student loans, there’s splitting assets and moving to a less expensive place where you have dignity, and the ability to find other happiness in the future.
Decent husbands and fathers do not flash photos of their penis to their female “old friends.” Would he approve genital displays to others from you? Unthinkable, and sorry to raise it but this BULLY has hoodwinked you long enough.
We’re early-30s, girlfriends since childhood. I’m getting very annoyed with getting together as she always expects that I’ll drive her.
She has her driver's license and access to a vehicle, but doesn’t drive. Someone has to pick her up and drop her off, or her husband comes along on the outing as her chauffeur.
I like him but wish she’d drive, for a girls’ night out. I’ve mentioned this but she got annoyed. I feel used. I spoke to her husband and he worries she’ll get into an accident.
I feel like the only time she calls me is when she needs something. When we get together with another friend, I feel detached since they’re both married and ready for children.
If I state I’ll no longer drive her, it’ll start a fight.
Suggest meeting her somewhere because you haven’t time for pick-up and delivery. After several times, it’ll be clear whether she prefers your assistance to your company.
But be honest with yourself about whether you’re moreannoyed at feeling “detached” while others discuss husbands and getting pregnant. It’d be natural, during phases while old friends follow different paths.
Dear Readers – I asked for a sharing of experiences people may have had with situations like one in my Oct. 10 column. It was regarding the concerns of adult children when their blind, elderly, widower father was apparently having a relationship with his part-time caregiver who’s half his age.
Many of you wrote of how your family faced and handled such liaisons. For final commentary, here’s the view of a professional in the field:
Reader - “There is a name for what's going on here - Elder Abuse - and any reputable agency would have a zero-tolerance policy.
“The agency should be advised by the man’s adult children immediately so that this woman cannot prey on other seniors as well.
“If the father is truly smitten, he can pursue the woman as a private citizen, not as his paid caregiver.”
Pat Irwin, BA, AICB, CPCA
Professor, Distance Learning, Centennial College
Tip of the day:
When marriage is a trial of insults and cheating, get legal advice.