We've been married for 25+ years but during the last ten, my wife’s gained a lot of weight.
Earlier, she’d worked at staying slim. I’ve always maintained a fitness regime that’s rewarded me well.
Working out together isn’t apt to happen. As for sexual-desirability, I cannot get my brain around the obesity.
Sex is now very infrequent, with neither of us initiating. Otherwise, we’re an excellent marital "team," and both comfortable with the financial aspect that's been built.
We allow each other a lot of space for hobbies and outside interests.
Still, humans need intimacy.
I’ll always be there for her. Cheating is not a cliff I wish to jump off.
I know we need greater communication, but telling her that, physically, it's no longer there, is daunting.
The concept of each of us allowing a more "open" arrangement has been on my mind. In her book Open, author Jenny Block writes... "Love and sex, much to the discontentment of so many who believe in happily ever after, aren’t constant companions.”
Open marriages are possible, but they only work – i.e. you stay connected and committed – if you’re both agreed, and stay agreed.
It’s unlikely a woman whose husband can’t tolerate her weight gain is going to have the confidence to be “open” too. So you will have the benefits, and she’ll have hurt and resentment, which may cause major upset in your marital “team.”
You DO have a serious problem, however, and so does she. No intimacy, and no understanding of what caused the weight gain.
Menopausal hormone issues, or another health matter may’ve sparked it. If she hasn’t been thoroughly checked by a doctor, the change in her weight screams for investigation, even if overeating is the “visible” cause.
Show your caring and concern for her beyond sexual satisfaction. Along with confronting the weight gain as a problem she can try to tackle with health-professional help, your interest may make a difference in both areas, IF you’ll participate, in every way.
I'm 30 and have been with my live-in boyfriend for three years.
He’s been given the opportunity to fulfill a life-long dream in Asia next year. He'd be gone for just under a month, and because I have a flexible job, which would allow me to do so, he’s asked me to come along.
I'd love to go, but I know that if I attend, the trip will be all about him (rightfully so), and I'll be left feeling unnoticed and unaccomplished. It's a pride thing.
Alternately, I could take the time and money and take a trip of my own. This option excites me, but also leaves me feeling a bit sad, as I’d love to travel and experience new things with him.
Should I swallow my pride and go with him? Or, do I go on the trip I've always wanted, while I have the chance?
We’re very close and I don't want to hurt him or our relationship, but I also feel it’d be more fulfilling to realize some dreams of my own.
You call that Pride? I call it Self-absorption.
To even consider that ‘just under one month’ of supporting a partner’s achievements in a fascinating part of the world leaves you “unnoticed and unaccomplished,” raises questions about the relationship.
Frankly, you sound insecure and competitive. OR, you hold hidden resentments towards his success, which will now be revealed by your choice.
He wants to share this honour with you, as his loving partner. Think this over again.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman whose boyfriend with whom she plans to spend her life, is a heavy drinker (Nov. 18):
Reader #1 – “I notice that you direct people with substance abuse to places like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and counselling.
“Their families, friends, and partners would also strongly need Al-Anon because addiction is a family illness. Often, people associated with addicts have no idea how ill (or affected) they are too.
“I’m the adult child of an alcoholic. Al-Anon has literally and figuratively saved my life.”
Reader #2 – “I’m a 38-year member of AA. I would advise this woman to run, unless she's hooked on heartbreak.
“She shouldn’t take any calls from him, have no contact, and move on with her life.
“His current behaviour (uncontrolled drinking, blacking out, “deal-breaking events,” and putting the onus of trust on her instead of him) is as good as he's going to be, for the foreseeable future.”
Tip of the day:
Open marriage won’t work if driven by one side only.