My boyfriend of two-and-a-half years and I broke up because I changed my mind and wanted to have a baby. I’m 33, childless; he’s 42, two daughters. He shut down and wouldn’t even consider it; then he hastily sold the house. I was devastated. We tried dating other people. 

Around Christmas, we re-connected, went away together and have been secretly spending more time together. I can’t figure out if I should wait for him to come around, get more counselling etc.

When we lived together we had his children every second weekend. I don’t think it’s fair for me to ignore wanting a child of our own yet be expected to help him raise his other children.

Also he has many hang-ups and is easily influenced, especially by his mother who’s negative about everything.

He says he just wants me and doesn’t want to “go there” again.

We love each other but I can’t wait forever for him to figure it out. So, how come we can’t seem to stay apart?

- Messed up

You could stay apart if YOU remain strong and sure about what you want. HE has been clear: He only wants you, no babies. You’re at a natural stage/age to have “changed your mind.” 

Unless your feelings for him override all else, and unless you can stay together without resenting his other children, his mother and eventually him – your maternal yearning is unlikely to disappear.

He’s comfortable with things as they are, with you beside him. The only possibility of shaking up his world enough for him to re-consider, is to break up without “benefits.”

Stay apart for a year, and push yourself to date others. By then, each of you should know what you’re willing to give up, if getting back together wins out.

Last March, my wife of 22 years passed away unexpectedly, leaving me with three great teen-age daughters. 

I’ve met a woman online who lives in Wisconsin, four hours away. We’ve had good times going out (I drive there every three weeks) and talk on the Internet and phone. She’s divorced with one teenage son whom she recently had to move to his father and step mom, due to his hurtful rudeness towards herself.

She’s been on anti-depressants since her divorce, and sometimes shuts down all talk with me. Should I give her more space or try to get her to open up more? We’ve become good friends.

She’s said she cares too much for me to keep it long-distance, yet she’s not looking for a relationship. She helped talk me through my loss and gets me to open up about my daughters and my late wife.

I’m confused about her wanting to be alone and being depressed.

- Between States

Yours was a sudden shock of loss; hers is an ongoing hurt through dealings over her son. Neither “grief” is easy, but with a death you can choose to remember the good times, while with divorce, there’s often a feeling of failure and/or continued bad times. 

Be her friend by giving her some space - but be ready to support her when needed. Neither of you should be rushing into a full-on relationship, there’s still too much from the past going on for her.

Also, your daughters won’t be ready to accept a step mom until she’s been in your life as your friend for a good while, and they can build trust and comfort with her.

I’d dated a guy who was “great,” but left for a lengthy vacation during my birthday.

When I returned, my birthday wasn’t mentioned - no good wishes, hug, card, or gift. It’s not about the gift – I wanted the feeling of him remembering and making me feel special. It caused me to take a closer look and find problems. We lost our connection and now see each other less and less.

Is there a lesson for me for next time?

- Done Deal

Your lengthy vacation likely left him not feeling special. Better to have called him on your birthday, saying you wished he were with you, suggesting you celebrate when you returned, etc. 

All these gestures would’ve sent a better message than coming back with disappointment, which he likely detected (and felt himself).

Lesson: A “great” date that you hope to see more often, needs nurturing, just like you.