I recently befriended a co-worker; she introduced me to her cousin for whom I felt immediate romantic interest. 

We text-ed each other for a couple of weeks, as friends, unbeknownst to my co-worker who soon told me she has feelings for me. I said she shouldn’t get involved with me because she’d get hurt. I chose my words carefully to protect her feelings, saying it wasn’t her that was the issue, it was me.

Later that week, I confessed my feelings to her cousin and asked her out. The cousin asked my co-worker for her blessing which she gave. However, last night she’d been drinking and accused me of lying and malice.

I really want to see her cousin and also be my co-worker’s friend, but she’s being difficult.

- Best Intentions

You missed the office memo about being wary of the fury of a co-worker scorned… meaning, this is an age-old problem about how to handle letting down one woman while taking up with another. Answer: VERY carefully. 

Apologize to your co-worker (you can forgive her outburst since she’s the rejected one). Say you had no idea of her feelings, and had come to consider her an important friend.

Meanwhile, go slow with the cousin… the last thing you need is both women annoyed with you, and talking to each other about it.

Explain that you want to respect your co-worker’s feelings. That doesn’t mean dating in secret, just not rushing it, NOR discussing your dates at work.

You’ll be treading in deep waters between these two, for some time, so make sure you have your life-saving sensitivities fine-tuned.

Recently, I got a massage through an ad I placed on craigslist.com, because I wanted to fix a back problem cheap and easy. The guy came over, massaged me, but did make a pass, which I turned down. 

I didn’t tell my live-in boyfriend of two years, what I’d done. I give him massages all the time but he has health problems making it uncomfortable for him to give me a massage.

I got caught up in the thrill and excitement of someone else finding me attractive, so I scheduled another massage, this time at the masseur’s home. I wasn’t planning to cheat, have always been faithful, and nothing sexual happened. But my boyfriend found out and before we even had a chance to talk, he had the locks changed, and packed some clothes for me.

He’s mainly upset that I’d lied to him, which I utterly regret. He says he can never trust me again.

It’s the first “bump” our relationship has hit, and it’s completely derailed us. What do you suggest?

- Lost

Learn from this that most cheap thrills are riskier than their fleeting rewards. 

Your boyfriend has a right to his reaction… you put your relationship on the line, both by inviting in a stranger and then going to his house knowing there was sexual tension in the air. Give your boyfriend some time to cool down… he feels his home and trust were both violated.

Don’t be panicky about being on your own or your apologies will sound like wheedling just to move back. And you must apologize. Leave off the long explanation and just acknowledge you did something stupid, for which you’re deeply sorry, but there was no sex involved, and you’ll never again do anything like it.

Total honesty and abject regret are the only appeals that may cause him to change his mind.

My boyfriend of 2 ½ years previously lived with a woman in San Francisco for 12 years, but they split up six months before he met me. They’ve kept contact by phone and email. 

He recently went to visit her and her family for one month, staying at her place where they’d lived together.

I’m VERY upset; he thinks I’m not enlightened. I want to break up, but I still love him.

- NEED HELP

Logic trumps enlightenment in this scenario: Any partner would be upset. 

Sharing their old setting sends the (wrong?) message to her, her family – and to you – that they also share an emotional intimacy, even if not the physical intimacy you fear. It’s a public leap backwards and completely disrespectful of you.

He should’ve stayed elsewhere, and possibly had you visit for part of the time.

Think harder about this relationship, his commitment is uncertain.