My fiancee insisted on spending Christmas with her mother in Las Vegas. I'd prefer that we alternate, spending Christmas with her mother one year, then with my parents in Salt Lake City the other year.

But my fiancee asserts that her mother, who's widowed with no other children, cannot be left alone next Christmas or any year, while my parents have each other and my siblings to share the holidays. I argue that it's important for us as a couple that we spend holidays together.

My fiancee then suggested that she always spend several days with me and my family before or after Christmas, but be with her mother on Christmas day. I don't want us splitting up during the holidays, but don't want to miss every Christmas with my family. How should we resolve this?

Conflicted

Start a new tradition with you two as the central "family." Bring her mother with you to Salt Lake City next Christmas.

You can both share the cost, as part of your commitment to celebrate the holidays with satisfaction for all. For your future mother-in-law, joining an extended family gathering will likely be a pleasant change.

Your parents and siblings may wish to join you and her mother in Las Vegas some years. If you have children, you may find it easier to host some Christmases at your own home.

Most important, always work this out as a team, not as separate entities.

I have a problem with my neighbour's daughter. She appears at our door every weekend morning at breakfast time, and doesn't leave until a parent comes for her, or we go out with our kids (though she's even asked to come along!).

She started this pattern without being invited. Initially, because she's eight-years-old, and our daughters are ages five and three, it seemed a good thing to have an older playmate for them.

But I now find she's eating two or three meals here over both weekend days. She's sometimes negative about the food choices and sets a bad example for my own kids. Also, she'll gang up with our eldest daughter against the youngest, who can't keep up. Then I'm in the awkward position of not knowing how to discipline someone else's kid.

My husband and I like the couple next door and don't want to start a rift over this.

Third Child

Your problem centers on the child's parents. And it's complicated by your own lack of boundaries. Unless you've extended an open-door policy about their child's visit, your neighbours should be asking ahead if little "Suzy" could spend some time with your children.

Since that hasn't happened, you need to phone and ask her parents if they know that their daughter's at your place, and give them a set time for how long she can stay. This can be done very amiably, "It'll be fine for her to stay until lunchtime when I'll send her home." You don't need to make excuses as to why.

Also, tell Suzy and her parents what's being served at the meal she's having with you. If there's a reaction, suggest she come after the meal that day.

Don't "discipline" other people's children, but you can guide them. Suzy can be told, along with your own children, that everyone has to share and get along, unless the youngest is occupied doing something else. If there's fighting or picking on anyone, that playtime ends, along with the visit.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who had an affair, which she now regretted, and for which her father-in-law did not forgive her (Dec. 27):

Reader - "Her husband had, upon finding her in bed with another man, woken her up while holding a knife over her. To me, that constitutes a death threat.

"Even if she were having sex with an entire soccer team, a death threat is never appropriate and makes reconciliation problematic.

"Perhaps, rather than attempting to reconcile with the father of a man who has threatened her life, she ought to be seeking counselling as to why she wishes to stay with a violent spouse who threatened her life.

"Too many dead women out there for me to feel her emphasis ought to be on proving to her father-in-law how trustworthy she is. My thought would be she should get out while she still has her whole skin."