My fiance’s had three of her siblings die and also spent six years with an abusive boyfriend.
I’m 29, she’s 27; we’ve been together for two years.
I’ve been a faithful and loving boyfriend but she questioned that when one of my ex-girlfriends contacted me, though nothing happened between us.
I then discovered she was talking to her abusive ex for a month, and although nothing happened with them, either, it hurt me. But I forgave her.
Now she wants her space and some time alone, and it’s making me crazy and lonely.
She’s always guarded with her feelings, because of all she’s experienced.
I’m afraid if I leave her alone, she’ll never come back. She says she needs to figure out things between us and swears she wants nothing to do with her ex.
- Miserable and alone.
You’re both quick to express suspicion, and that just feeds insecurity on both sides. However, she has more reasons than you to fear and even anticipate loss in her relationships. So your ex-girlfriend’s contacting you obviously triggered her anxieties.
Yet, you made a big deal of being hurt and forgiving her, for a similar contact! Now, you need to re-assure her that you have no intention of leaving her, and plan to spend your life together. Then, suggest firming up your wedding plans.
If she resists, agree to that “time and space” she wants for a limited time, say, one month.
After that, you’ll both need to hear a definite Yes or No as to whether you’re getting back together with marriage as the goal.
My friend married six months ago and is already considering getting a divorce. Her husband is lazy and undemonstrative. But he always was!
When I asked why it bothers her so much now, she said she’s having an affair with someone else. What can I say to that?
Say that it’s her business, butt you’re shocked. Then remind her that she ignored her hubby’s shortcomings until it was too late, so she better look closer at this guy who thinks it’s okay to sleep with someone’s wife.
I’m a single mom of three children, ages 14 to 2. I’ve always given them what they needed, and even what they wanted on a tight budget.
But I’m seriously concerned about my 14-year-old. She’s beyond being “a teen” – she’s defiant, will manipulate my mom to get something I’m against, and will disclose suicidal thoughts if things aren’t going her way.
When I’ve suggested taking her in for counselling, she says “I’m not crazy.”
I had/have a not-so-perfect relationship with my mom, and don’t want that type of relationship with my children.
- Any Suggestions?
You need a fresh approach, for both of you - one that’s based on positive reasons. Telling your daughter that you’re “taking her in for counselling” is a negative message, which she’d naturally reject.
Talk about finding a way for you two to get along, so both of you can get better understand each other. Explain that a family counsellor can guide this change: You need to start hearing her real needs, not consider them all manipulations, and stop judging her from your past relationship with your Mom.
Your daughter needs to learn that appreciation of your efforts and better behaviour will bring natural rewards. Compassion and compromise on both sides can turn this mother-daughter relationship around, if you get help together.
For four years, I’ve been “friends” with my ex, harbouring hopes that we might get back together. On and off, for three years, I’ve been “dating” a married man whose promises have yet to bear fruit.
Recently, my ex said he wants to move on with his life but still wants platonic friendship with me.
I deeply love both men. Do you see any future for me with either of them?
- Fed Up
I don’t need a crystal ball to see your neediness and self-deception, evident in your hanging on to both of these men who clearly stay distanced from you emotionally.
Instead of wasting your time on hopeless fantasies, find your inner pride and drop both of these users.
Your friendly ex is just humouring you, while your married guy is tasting forbidden fruit with you, not providing true sustenance.
You need a real relationship with someone who’s available.
Tip of the day:
When “time and space” from a serious relationship is taken, it needs to a deadline for either a firm commitment or a break-up.