I miss the pure joy of sex as it used to be - a sensual experience with the only goal being mutual pleasure. I miss lust and someone desiring me.
I’m aware that women are complex and have different needs than men. I know that women need to feel connected, to talk, have date nights, have help cleaning and looking after the kids.
Then you have a better chance of her being in the mood. I do all that plus work out, watch what I eat, etc. Sometimes it seems like too much work.
I'm tempted to have a fling. I know an affair is an artificial relationship and obviously the cheaters don't have all the burdens and complexities of a home, etc.
It seems unfair that the price for a life together is giving up something wonderful.
- Tremendously Bothered
Take a cold shower. Women (generally, not a specific wife when she’s in the midst of laundry, a work deadline and a plugged toilet) also miss the pure joy of sex.
They miss lust and being desired – but not if they ever feel blamed as architects of a life that demands “giving up” wonderful things.
Women think sleeping kids are wonderful, as are husbands who help out without thinking they’re heroes, and men who work out to stay attractive to them, as much as for vanity and health.
Most of these women would so love a man who’d recognize when wonderful sex CAN happen … say, even in the midst of folding laundry, if a couple is sharing laughter and ease; or on a thoughtfully-timed occasion with romantic set-up.
Try a new approach, be patient and know she wants to love you in ways an affair partner never will.
Two years ago I ended a four-year relationship; we’re both 50s with grown children. He’d become loving but distant. We have so many common interests, and he’d previously asked my professional help with his company. We ended up spending way too much time together, day and night. I lost myself in him and his business.
He eventually said he could never live with me as we had such vastly different lifestyles! But I’d already been getting his mixed messages. And I wouldn’t accept his idea that I become his weekend girlfriend. He still wanted to be a bachelor but didn’t want to lose me. I finally ended it, completely.
I contacted him recently for his professional advice –when together again, the attraction was still there for me. I’d love to fall in love with someone again. How could I ever recognize such a personality again? Is there really such a thing as a commitment phobe? What can I do to close my heart to this man and move on?
- Still in Love
Mixed messages are a powerful clue that people too often choose to ignore. Even as he loved you, he also pushed you away … a sure sign of someone thinking “How can I keep this relationship under my control?”
This man wanted two relationships – a business partner, and a lover on only his terms. You’ll avoid anyone with commitment phobia (or self-centredness, or control needs) in future, IF you determine not to fall in love with love and not to get “lost” in someone again.
As you move forward and date others, have confidence in what you have to offer, but only to someone who wants an equal partner, not someone he shapes to his needs.
The man who’s been on Prozac for six weeks and says he’s changed, may be right (October 31 column). I’m on Prozac and it brings a calming feeling to your mind so that when issues arise, you can think in a relaxed state.
My wife will verify that I’m much better on Prozac. I also saw a therapist who taught me how to deal with situations of frustration. I wanted to share my personal experience.
Your personal story is hopeful; but WHY anyone needs medication for behaviour change and which medication works, makes each case different. For that man, Prozac was prescribed because he’d been depressed for years. But he’d also had deeply rooted anger issues.
He was physically abusive to people and animals, threatened violence to his partner, destroyed property. Prozac may be a helpful start. But he also needs a full process of therapy before his “change” can be trusted.
Tip of the day:
In busy lives, the joy of sex comes from making time and finding humour in the challenge.