My husband of four years recently got a new job because he’d previously had an intense emotional affair with a co-worker.

We went through counseling, individually and together. We had our first baby last year.

I recently learned he was having a two-months’ sexual affair with a co-worker he directly supervised. It ended when I confronted them both.

She’s single, with three children. She threatened to report the affair to the company president and get my husband fired. But he convinced her not to tell anyone.

My whole world was destroyed as we were actively planning for another baby. We’re currently separated and he’s begging to come back home with promises of change.

He’s getting counselling for himself and wants me to attend with him. I want to be able to forgive him, but I’m wary.

He’s talked about the affair, but I’m not sure I believe his version, which is different from hers.

He reports his daily interactions with her (strictly business) and says he’s looking for another job but can't afford to just quit.

During his affair, we’d been loving, affectionate, as well as intimate. How can I trust him again? Or does a leopard never shed his spots?

Distraught and Untrusting

Do NOT get back together nor even consider a second pregnancy until you’re sure you’re ready to call this “Strike Two.” It means you’ll try to believe/trust him but any other affair, emotional or sexual, is Strike Three. After that, you’re prepared to separate permanently.

If you don’t have that practical attitude when you re-connect, you’ll be stuck with distrust for years to come.

He should stay with counselling for several months on his own, before you join him and see if he’s learned anything about himself that’ll move him to make real change.

And he must get another job, before you take his bid to come back seriously.

I work for a local politician, and she's a great person - very fair, not judgmental. However, my direct boss is her assistant, "J."

“J” constantly berates me for small mistakes, records them, and talks about me.

J used to do my job. She refuses to accept that I have my own management style.

I’m afraid to talk to the politician, because she’ll speak to J about it, which will make the torment worse.

Other staff have reported comments she’s made about me when I’m not present.

I’m certain she’s trying to set me up to fail. Her constant negative comments, condescending insults, jokes about my clothing and appearance make me not want to interact with her.

How can I say that I won't put up with her bullying? Otherwise, I’ll be driven to quit.

Feeling Trapped

Bullying in the workplace is not that different from the schoolyard. It has to be stopped.

Otherwise, J wins – quitting’s bad for your resume and your self-esteem.

Keep a (secret) record of her insults, reported gossip about you and others, hounding you on trivial mistakes, etc. Keep the date and times, to the best of your ability. Do not do this on your work computer, rather on a note pad you keep in your purse.

After you’ve collected a record that’s clearly harassing, write the report on a private computer and hand it to the politician AND the HR department for this division of local government.

(You need the politician to be aware so she can comment on your good qualities, and HR to pursue the policy on harassment.)

My boyfriend of two years has split custody of his two middle-school-aged children. We’re both early-50s, divorced. My child’s a semi-independent adult.

I get along well with his children, and see them twice a month. He attends all their games and performances, but I only enjoy them occasionally.

I’d like our time together just for us two. When it’s dinner, movies, or concerts he expects me to pay. Same with travel.
We get along splendidly on weekends alone and costs are contained with home movies, home dinners, etc. We’re passionate for each other. But money isn’t tight for either of us.

He’s got ten more years of child responsibility. Does he have difficulty spending on activities more exciting and bonding for us? Am I making a mistake?

Getting Resentful

Yes. You’re at different post-marital stages, and he may also just be cheap. Take a break and see if you miss him, not the perfect weekends.