I'm married, but for the past two years, I cannot stop thinking about finding a guy I had a short relationship with just before meeting my husband.
It was very sexual, and he said he loved me. I never said it back, since I wasn't yet sure.
Once, when I called him, his dad said he had a fiancée. My friends also convinced me he was seeing someone else, so I said I couldn't have a relationship.
He begged to discuss it, said his dad was joking, but I refused.
He called a year later, saying he was getting married the next day, but would call it off if I’d see him again. I didn't, assuming it was a booty call.
That was 35 years ago.
Now, I can't stop thinking about him.
He’d never done anything that indicated he was seeing another, was always sweet to me, and the handsomest guy I'd ever met.
I figured he couldn't be any good if he was interested in me.
Now, I don't have the same insecurities and would like to know what really happened.
Is there any harm in trying to find him?
I'm sure my husband wouldn’t understand.
You already expect your husband’s discomfort, yet still want to pursue this question.
There’s still insecurity about whether he loved you, or just loved the sex with you.
If he’s still married or attached, you’d be stirring up distrust in another woman’s life, despite a 35-year silence.
The real question is, what are YOU really looking for?
If you’re feeling lack of love or sexual desire in your marriage, that’s what you need to probe and pursue.
If an age or hormone changes have caused this preoccupation, address the real cause.
See your doctor and/or a therapist, and talk to your husband. Focus on your present life.
My son’s recently moved in with his girlfriend. I’m now considered “part of the girlfriend’s family” regarding occasions.
His girlfriend’s brother recently got engaged.
Though I’m four-years divorced, I’ve been invited to the drop-in engagement party… alone.
I gave my son (who’s blameless in this) my perspective: Inviting people “alone,” treats non-marrieds like second-class citizens.
He queried the mother of the groom and was told they “had to cut a lot of their friends to keep the numbers down.”
My ex-wife and I are invited as singles “because it’s a drop-in event, not a sit down.”
We’d hosted events when married, and never invited a single person without a guest.
I only know one other invited couple, so I don’t have friends there.
I’m not going by myself, and don’t want to make waves. I may be out of town.
I’d like your opinion.
I see this as a practical matter, not a socio-political statement. Parties have cost and venue limitations.
Most hosts struggle with these decisions and try their best to accommodate family and friends.
Since your son’s only moved in with their daughter recently, his parents (including you) haven’t yet become part of their closest family members.
Most adults are capable of being gracious guests on their own for the short period of a drop-in cocktail party.
A brief hello, congratulations to the engaged couple and their parents, a chat with the couple you know, polite greeting to your ex… that’s all that’s required and your presence will be appreciated.
Plus, if you are open and friendly, you may meet some interesting new people.
My girlfriend of seven months periodically has a huge over-reaction to something I said or did.
And suddenly we’re having a major fight.
I’ve learned that she’s much more sensitive than she appears.
Neither of us drinks a lot, so that’s not a factor.
I just don’t know why the arguments happen every few weeks or so. She’s 37. Could it be hormonal?
Getting to know someone beyond attraction, sexual chemistry, and even common interests, is crucial for making a new relationship become deep enough to last.
If she’s a menstruating female, or starting early menopause, she’s very likely to experience some effects – anything from pain, agitation, mood change, lack of libido, etc.
Between episodes, when she’s NOT in super-sensitive mode, ask if she’d mind alerting you to her cycle because you want to be in tune with her feelings.
Some women would appreciate that bonding, but not all. So proceed sensitively.
Tip of the day:
Seeking a long-ago-lost lover when you’re married is often about asking the wrong questions.