I’m a graduate student who likes my classmate.
She caught me looking at her one day, which, being shy, I tried to hide. Eventually, I caught her looking at me.
She’s been in a six-year relationship with her boyfriend, but I suspect it’s running its course.
However, I’m largely inexperienced and sometimes get awkward around her.
I started trying to talk to her, one year after she became my classmate.
Though she ignores me online, in person she actually notices me - either during my conversations with others or just when I’m around. Sometimes she sits close to me.
Once, she stared me down and I looked away. However, I’ve started staring back.
I sent her a poem secretly, but she knows it’s me. I wanted to let her know officially that I’m into her.
This girl’s ambitious and proud. She didn’t say anything to me, just acted a little different online, but I know she liked it.
Recently I messed up when I complimented her by saying I appreciated her and that she’s pretty.
She got annoyed. It was my last encounter with her. I’m a little worried about how badly I screwed up.
But asking her out is another issue - I’m not sure how to do it or say it.
Here are the mistakes I've made or experienced so far:
She tested if I’d fall back on my opinion, I sort of compromised twice, she stared me down, I stared back and complimented her. Then she got a bit angry or annoyed.
Learning to be a Man
Your “experiences” regarding this woman (she’s not a “girl” if she’s old enough for grad school) seem to live more in your imagination than reality.
It’s impossible from your account, to tell if she’s interested in you through an attraction, as you think, or wariness.
The information you need most, is whether her six-year relationship is ongoing, or even if she’s already dating someone else.
Meanwhile, stop the staring – it can be interpreted as creepy, and hasn’t brought her closer to you.
Your shyness is your best card to play. Tell her that you’re shy, but would like to get to know her better if she’s also interested.
If she responds positively, start slowly by going for a coffee together.
But if she’s not interested or annoyed, back off.
Then consider talking to someone trusted (a friend or relative) about how to start a conversation that shows interest, without making assumptions or staring, or imagining what’s going on in someone else’s head.
Recently, my wife lost her driver's license due to a health condition. She’s fighting for it’s reinstatement.
She’s very stressed out about it. I suggested that she not take out her stress on her work colleagues, our kids, or myself.
But she’s getting worse, daily.
Her parents and other family (whom she puts ahead of me or our kids), live in a nearby city.
She’d like to visit/spend a day there, but now can't.
I don't mind taking her there, but neither I nor the kids can spend the whole day.
She doesn’t respond to stress very well. But she’s not open to counselling as she doesn’t want others to help/hear her problem.
Stress for All
Drive her there, leave, return for her the next day. It may help to de-stress her.
Or, take her to a bus and pick her up from the bus depot later.
Meanwhile, she needs to see her doctor to control the effect on her health condition.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman, 62, whose boyfriend’s no longer interested in sex (Aug. 4):
Reader – “Perhaps the man’s embarrassed about his erectile dysfunction (ED) and avoiding sex.
“How about getting his female partner to address the situation with him? Outcomes (for treating ED) are improved with partner involvement.
“If this lady likes this man, she should try and help him, and seek the assistance of a urologist who specializes in men's health and sexual medicine.
“We can improve libido and give any man an erection. Perhaps more open communication would also help this relationship.”
Ellie – Thanks for this suggestion that can bring hope to many men with ED and to their partners who want to support their treatment and return to sexual intimacy.
The woman in this case felt rejected. That’s a shame since, as you say, the man’s decision may’ve had only to do with his embarrassment, and nothing to do with her.
Tip of the day:
Be straightforward when trying to connect with someone, and accept his or her response.