Everything is great between my boyfriend and me (two and a half years together), other than his family and how they treat me.
His father’s an alcoholic, his step-mom’s a bully, and extremely rude towards me, his stepsister and his brother are the same. His other two stepbrothers couldn't care less if I exist.
There’s A LOT of family issues and they fight almost daily. His stepsister’s created rumours about me, which his family believes.
Yet they've only met me about four times.
They blame me for their problems. His step-mom claims that I said, "at least my parents love me more"… meaning she hardly loves her kids.
I've never done any of these things, and am willing to even apologize to put things on better terms.
They refuse to talk to me and constantly bitch about me, saying I never apologize.
They even bailed out five minutes before the time for meeting my parents who drove two hours just to meet them. The father's excuse was that he didn't take a shower.
I love my boyfriend, and I know this isn't his fault. We’re in a very serious relationship and want to make this work. What should we do, and how should we go about it?
Discuss together, openly and honestly, how likely this crew of nasty, blaming people is ever going to be welcoming and non-judgmental. (NOT likely)
Then agree on an “apology” you can offer to cover their accusations, as in, “I’m very sorry that I offended you in any way. (John) and I love each other and we both want to have a good, respectful relationship with all his family.”
Your boyfriend should also speak up and say that he loves you dearly, and wants his family to honour his choice.
You’ll both at least know that you tried.
Then get on with your future together, share plans as little as possible with his family (they’ll try to change or sabotage them).
Avoid them as much as possible, unless you see real, tangible changes.
And be sure you stay on the same page as a couple, because some of his family will try to divide you.
I met this guy two months ago. The attraction physically and emotionally was instant.
We hooked up a few times and saw and communicated almost everyday.
He’d just gotten out of a four-year relationship that apparently was suffocating sometimes. He still talks to his ex and seems afraid to let her go.
Also, he’s enjoying being single, getting a lot of female attention and enjoying hanging out with his buddies every weekend.
Recently, I confessed that I wanted more. He said he couldn't do more but that he liked me. He was adamant that he needed me in his life, as a friend. I agreed.
He’s since messaged me daily for two weeks, chatting away that he still thinks of me.
I saw him today and things seemed good, but distant. I don't think I can be just his friend. Why does he want nothing more?
He’s shown you why – the break-up that’s not fully over, the new singles scene.
Yes, he likes you. He’s also flattered that you want more. But he’s not ready… and shouldn’t be. It’d be his “rebound” relationship and even more upsetting to you when it ends.
Be friendly when he contacts you, but not needy. Be unavailable sometimes. It’s the only way for him to find out if he misses you.
FEEDBACK Regarding families of drug-addicted people (Jan. 13):
Reader – “I'm not only speaking from my own experience of alcoholism and drug addiction from many years ago.
“I've also been on the other side seeing loved ones succumb to the ravages of addiction, some recovering, others, not.
“I strongly recommend reading In The Realm Of Hungry Ghosts, by Gabor Mate. I can't emphasize this enough. Get it and read it with an open mind.
“It’ll help you to really understand what's going on in great depth. It will show beyond doubt that there’s no room for judgment here, only compassion.
“This is a situation you cannot ''fix'', as much as you may want to support loved ones.
“Ultimately, the outcome depends upon the individuals concerned, but, with the deeper understanding, love, a pure compassionate intention, patience, and good fortune, you may help your loved ones to get thirsty for a healthy recovery.”
Tip of the day:
When difficult relatives attempt to damage your relationship, commit fully to each other and avoid them.