On my first date with a co-worker, he said that he loved me, which I felt was too fast too soon.
That month, he said that he wanted to have a baby with me. When I said things are moving too fast, he thought that I wasn’t interested in the relationship.
He’d constantly text me at work. He bought me a $78 box of makeup and said I look good in make-up, though previously he’d said he liked me without it.
He then wanted to marry me on my birthday. I said again that it’s moving way too fast for me.
I eventually had to complain about him at work because I often felt pressured and stressed out. He said that it’s either mutual love or mutual leave.
I’m having a hard time dealing with hurt and confusion, and seeing him at work.
I was beginning to feel that he did love me.
How can I deal with this relationship having gone bad and forget about him? I feel guilty for telling on him.
Hurt and Confused
You’ve been bombarded by a manipulative controller. You’re well rid of him for your mental health.
Feel no guilt. Feel relief instead, because a long-term relationship with him would have you far more stressed out, always trying to satisfy his latest wish.
Everything he did/said was designed to have you jumping to his latest command: Love immediately, wear no makeup, then start using makeup, marry when I decide… etc., etc.
No wonder you reached out for help with your complaint. That was your instinct to save yourself from further harassment.
Manipulative people draw you into their plans for themselves, by trying to control you. He loved himself more than he loved you.
I recently bumped into a man I once dated half a dozen times.
He called me daily and even met me for lunch several times.
After being away a week with friends, he came to my home.
He was obviously wanting to be intimate, and I thought there was enough interest and affection between us to start a sexual relationship.
The sex was okay, though brief. Then he was gone. No contact for a week.
I guess it was a form of “ghosting.” I finally called him and asked if that one sex act was his sole goal.
He mumbled that he didn’t think we were going to have a future, but gave no reasons why.
When I saw him again – seven years later, me happily married – I could barely look at him and was very cold.
I don’t understand why. I wouldn’t want to spend another minute with him, so why did I care enough to turn away?
Long Ago Hurt
Back then, you felt humiliated and used. He handled the incident badly without any sensitivity.
Time to shed any reaction, he’s meaningless in your current life.
BUT you don’t have to be pleasant or chatty with him. He cut you cold, you’ve now done the same. It’s even, and over.
FEEDBACK Regarding the brother’s feud over one’s daughter not having been asked to be a flower girl at the other’s wedding (Sept. 22):
Reader – “No one is winning in this feud. As much as it hurts that one’s child wasn’t a flower girl, just forget it and let it be.
“When my son got married, my daughter was not invited to the bride’s girl-only party. It was very hurtful. The excuse given: “I forgot.” There were many other hurtful examples.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the man seeking to date his therapist (September 14):
Reader – “After two year’s lapse (the time usually required for professional therapists to consider a social relationship with a former client), if he still wants a relationship, he may approach her asking for a social meeting.
“Until then, he needs to cool off.
“They both may still need to contact her college to ask if they may have a secondary relationship, in order to comply with standards of practice geared towards preventing sexual abuse of a patient.
“In my profession, we are no longer allowed to hug patients even in extreme circumstances, such as when they suffer bereavement or are congratulating one or another for a pregnancy/birth/major life event and the client initiates it.”
Reader #2 – “It’s rough going to school, doing research and clinical placements for years, just to be seen as a sexual object after doing your job successfully!”
Tip of the day:
When pressured romantically by a manipulator, know that he/she is seeking to control you.