My fiancé and I will be getting married in 2015. Due to location, financial restrictions, and personal preference, we’re aiming to have about 100 guests. Our problem surrounds whether we should be inviting a particular group of stepfamily members.
My uncle divorced over a decade ago and was very quickly in a new relationship with someone with a number of kids. I was in high school at that time. Though the new additions have been around for that decade since, I’ve never really considered them proper cousins.
Further, as much as my natural cousins have been ever-present at family get-togethers, the additions have been intermittent with their attendance.
They’re all very nice, and I have nothing personal against them. However, I don't find it necessary to invite them to the wedding.
The greater dilemma lies with my uncle. He becomes sensitive about his new family in that they aren't/haven't been accepted by the existing family, which leads to tense situations.
I’m just anticipating a strongly negative response if the rest of the family is invited and they’re not.
Though, as they’re all adults, it’d instantly double the invitees, including a significant other. We'd then have to sacrifice eight people we truly want to be present on that day.
I strongly recommend you start your marriage in a spirit of goodwill. The fact that you and others haven’t really accepted these cousins in over a decade is sad commentary. No wonder they were “intermittent” sometimes about showing up.
If you care anything about your uncle, as you seem to, be the one to model what family is about… welcoming each other’s choices of partner, just as your own groom is being welcomed.
Not all eight might be able to attend. Even if they do, they won’t cause financial ruin. A few others whom you invite may not be able to make it.
I’m 30, married for two years, and we have a 10-month-old daughter. My husband can't work now because he’s on house arrest.
He’s a great husband and father but is very controlling with a lot of old ethnic beliefs.
Recently, on a job interview, I was interview by the company boss. After the interview, he told me I was beautiful and smart, and that I have to go back to school to do something better. Then he gave me his number to call him anytime for anything.
I also got the job. He’s very attractive, just like my husband.
I cannot stop thinking about him. When my husband and I were having sex, I was thinking about this new boss. I have never cheated on my husband.
There’s nothing confusing here, what’s happened is clear:
1) The “boss” came onto you, which was very inappropriate since you’re a young married woman and he’s now in a power position with you.
2)You’re vulnerable, because you need a job to maintain your young daughter, as well as you and your husband; you feel pressure from his “house arrest,” and his old-fashioned ideas which no doubt include jealousy.
Now you have to do something about the situation so there’s no confusion in the boss’ mind that you’re not going to cheat. Remember, it’s far too risky – you’d likely end up with an angry (or worse) husband because he’ll find out, and without a job because the boss wants no trouble, just fun.
Look for another job. This one is not going to work out well for you.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who wrote about her husband's brother-in-law (Sept. 19):
Reader – “There’s no interaction with the other family members. You say, a gift for the niece who’s marrying is the right thing to do. WRONG!
“I was the "go to Uncle" when all my nephews and nieces were young. I took them out for snacks, to sporting activities, it was a lot of fun. I felt that was what uncles did.
“Once they attained independence, I never heard from them. The oldest got married, I spent a considerable sum on the gift, and had to beg for a picture. I never received a thank you note. The rest are the same.
“I say, get on with your life, with your friends and any family members where there’s a relationship. Don't bother trying to change the others.”
Ellie – I believe in being true to your own standards (unless people are truly toxic to you).
Tip of the day:
Plan your wedding as the positive beginning it’s meant to symbolize.