My boyfriend of two years and I have great communication. Yet I’m insecure about an answer he once gave me.
He’s an avid gamer and often enjoys nights with friends (the biggest nerds) some of whom I’ve met and others I have not.
These nights usually involve drinking, which I’m not big on.
During our first year together, I’d asked why I hadn’t met all his friends as he’d met many of mine.
His response: "They’re extremely awkward around girls. I don't think you’d enjoy spending time with them."
This made sense to me. He’s also vividly described the way he acts around his friends, though I know he prefers that I don't see his aggression towards games.
As we move closer to serious commitment, I’m checking that this isn't a block in our relationship.
Is it okay to have a separate "life" like this? Do I need to be concerned about meeting these friends?
Is it just the setting that he doesn't want me in? (i.e. Guy time vs. meeting them for wedding planning?)
Also, he lives with two roommates whom I’ve seen but I’ve only spoken to one because he seriously avoids me!
It’s only somewhat odd to not meet close friends, whom he sees regularly.
Though diehard gamers are often very intense and frequent about their activity, other hobbies and interests can also seem a “separate” life that’s not harmful to a relationship.
But, generally, after two years you should know more about the people he sees the most.
You need to both have a comfort level about what the other is doing and with whom.
Tell him you need a bigger window on his life. Say that you’d like to meet more of his friends before you two finalize wedding plans.
If his responses remain evasive, say that you need to better understand why.
I’m deeply concerned that my nephew, late-20s, has Asperger's Syndrome. He’s unable to make eye contact, has only a few friends from high school, and refuses to meet or make new friends.
He has to go to his "quiet place" if there's too much noise or confusion. He and his wife have a young daughter and this happens quite often.
His parents frequently say they have to "support" him. My niece-in-law (with whom I’m close) is seeing a counsellor, as she’s finding it difficult to deal with his moods and his poor communication with her.
He won’t go with her.
Should I tell her of my concerns? It might help her deal with his issues if she knows the cause.
Concerned Aunt in Buffalo
This is an assumption of what’s affecting him, it’s NOT a diagnosis.
Better that she gets that suggestion from her counsellor, who’ll be trying to assess the situation she describes.
The most you can do is suggest that she do some research herself on what appear to be his behaviour traits, then raise her findings with her counsellor.
Even if everyone suspects Asperger’s Syndrome, he can refuse to accept that conclusion, especially since it’s a condition with much variance in individuals.
More important is whether the couple can acknowledge that they together have a communication problem and that he needs some help to better handle his surroundings and his relationships.
Many people with Asperger’s have normal to high intelligence, and function well, once they’ve understood their condition better themselves.
There are also support groups for people and their families living with those on the autism spectrum.
When he proposed five years ago, he said he was excited to have children together. We attended premarital classes and discussed the timeline.
But he kept delaying and now says he doesn't want kids.
I’m approaching late maternal age and fear he’s taking away my option to have kids.
We haven’t had sex in two years because he’s afraid we might get pregnant.
Previously, when we did have sex, it seemed he was trying to make it so awful and boring that I wouldn’t want to do it.
I feel very resentful, ugly, alone and that we’ve lost all emotional connection.
My resentment and desire to have a child are affecting everything else in my life.
Do I Stay?
What for? You clearly feel hopeless about your present and future with him.
You two now have completely different life goals and desires. Get on with yours by leaving the marriage, as cleanly as possible.
Tip of the day:
Couples need to have a level of comfort about each other’s separate interests and separate friends.