My boyfriend’s been living with me for five years. I have another home, which I rent out; he has another home that’s unlivable, needing expensive renovation.

Meanwhile, he’s never paid toward our bills, groceries, etc. We both pay our own bills for the other homes.

I’ve never asked him for money, and don't need it. But I’ve helped him with his bills and never asked for a penny back.

He’s done home repairs for me, and moved furniture, which I appreciate.

But for birthdays, or Christmas, he usually buys me nothing. It hurts me.

When I finally asked him why, he said he’s too cheap. In all other ways I love this man, but I think this “cheap” attitude is terrible.

Short-changed

You made the deal five years ago, allowing his non-contribution, even helping with his bills.

You presented yourself as a woman who could afford all this, and he took the bait.

But you have an otherwise loving relationship, and must either stick with that or risk changing the deal, possibly the dynamic, too.

His “cheapness” even about occasional gifts, shows that he takes your arrangement for granted.

If you seriously challenge him – and self-respect may drive you to do so - be prepared for seeing an unloving side of him. And having to decide what to do about it.

I’m a divorced woman, 59. My children are finishing university, and neither wants to move back to the small city where I live, run a small business, and have a boyfriend.

I’m okay with moving, as it’s not my hometown. I'm also tired of maintaining my big house.

There’s a larger city 30-minute’s drive away where I know no one, but there’s more going on.
However, my boyfriend and I would like to live together at some point. His daughter, a single mom, recently moved back in with him.

He says she’d take over the house lease if she found a roommate, so that shouldn't stop him from living with me.

But he just bought a business, so he works into the evening and doesn't have much money. He’d be unable to contribute to buying a home right now.

We're concerned that my children will feel he’s moving into "their" home, rather than that we’re moving in together.

Sometimes I think I should stay here, since it’s a plan and means he and I are in the same city.

I'm closer to friends here, my neighbours are great, and help me. I could buy a smaller house. But I've never wanted to retire here.

But, if I move and select a place that suits only my needs, it isn't a good basis to start a living arrangement down the road with my boyfriend… is it?

Moving Confusion

You’re trying to please too many people, satisfy too many needs. A move after so many years is a big step, so focus on what’s most important.

It’s your future you’re now planning. If this boyfriend’s your long-term choice, the move must be right for both of you. Your children will move and live away for work; they won’t plan around you.

If you can afford to buy a smaller place for you two, be clear about his contribution from the start (see above), and what’s expected when he earns more.

There’ll still be more going on for both of you, just 30 minutes away. And you can retire there together later, if that suits you both.

Our daughter, 38, went through a bad divorce, and met another guy not much different from the last one.

She has one child, 20, and three teenagers, under legal age. A year ago, our daughter stopped talking to us and we had no communication with the children.

Now, when her ex tries to bring them to visit us, she tries to put up barriers to stop it.

We’re ready to take our daughter to court for visitation rights. Are there legal cases to support us? We’ve done nothing wrong.

Heartbroken Grandparents

You’re definitely not the first grandparents to fight for visitation rights or custody. Check with a family law lawyer in your jurisdiction to assess your chances and the costs.

Meantime, send the children cards and small gifts for every occasion, and loving messages of interest in them, through their older sibling and father, so they know the contact wasn’t ended by you.