I’ve been married for 10 years and my husband is a wonderful and supporting man. But my question is about wanting him to fulfill my needs.
He is a great partner and has given me pleasure. However, it falls short a lot, and I need to have more.
He’s very set in his ways and I really can’t ask him anymore.
Is there anything you can suggest to get him to make passionate love to me?
You word your question so subtly - perhaps out of awkwardness or shyness - that it causes me to wonder if this is part of the situation in bed.
Your husband may think he’s doing his best as he knows how, and be unclear and frustrated about what it is you mean and want.
Even after 10 years together, one of the spouses sometimes has to inspire new tricks.
Start with knowing what you mean – e.g. more foreplay, or oral sex, or spontaneous lovemaking at a different time than usual?
Then, bring on your ideas. Set up your bedroom for a massage with candles, oils, and towels at the ready, then use your hands on him, and get him to reciprocate.
Next time, take an illustrated sex manual to bed and show him some of what interests you for pleasing him, as well as what appeals for pleasing you.
Show him your own passion, and to unleash whatever’s holding him back to same-old.
If none of this works, see a sex therapist, preferably together.
Can a relationship born out of an affair ever work?
I met my boyfriend four years ago when he was still married and I was in a relationship.
I ended my relationship soon afterwards, but my boyfriend remained married.
He’s now separated from his wife, and they’re in the process of getting a divorce.
As you can imagine, the relationship, while he was married and not separated, was not an easy one for me.
He lied to his wife so he could be with me, and he also lied to me to cover his activities with his wife.
When I broke off with him and refused all contact, he got separated from her.
We’ve tried to get back together and I was somewhat hopeful, but I cannot forget all the lies.
How do I know if I can accept the past so that we can make the relationship work?
It’s your own part in the affair that you’ll have to accept, not just his lies. You were part of that deceit, by continuing to see him.
It bothered you enough to eventually break up, but now, your resentment of him for that shared past is unfair.
Either you have a big love for each other that can surmount this negative history, or you don’t.
Examine your own feelings – why you were attracted to him, why you ended a relationship for him, how you feel about him now.
Was he an escape from a relationship that was tired? Or a hot romance while still elusive, but less appealing now in the light of reality?
The simple answer is this: Some affairs work out once both parties are no longer attached. Many do not.
It takes honest and clear scrutiny of your own motives as well as his, to examine what that affair was all about then.
Then you both need an open discussion of how you each see the future, to know whether this new relationship together can last.
FEEDBACK Regarding cottage guests who want to be invited at times they prefer (April 26):
Reader – “We often invite our cottage guests to visit during the week simply because it’s quieter, which allows for a better visit.
“Also, there’s less traffic for guests to contend with in their travels.
“In the past, we've had former guests who've invited themselves and then extended the visits. That was their last visit.
“We've learned to only invite friends and family whose company we all enjoy. They always bring food to share and we all pitch in to prepare meals together.
“My advice to would-be guests is to enjoy the cottage, pitch in when you can, and be respectful of shared spaces.
“It's not that difficult to be a welcomed and treasured guest.”
Ellie Adds – Don’t come “for a rest” and avoid group activities and meals, unless you’re very close family/friends and your hosts are aware of this need.
Tip of the day:
Passion within a marriage can grow, especially if it’s encouraged and shared generously.