I’m 28, married five years. When I was pregnant with our first child, my husband starting watching porn.
He said he’d stop. Four years later, he’s still watching it.
We rarely have sex. His watching porn is a massive turn-off for me. I’m not attracted to him anymore and don't enjoy sex with him.
He rejected counselling, saying he doesn't need it. He has anger issues and is mean to our young kids, both under age four. He says they need to toughen up.
I got counselling myself. She all but told me to leave him. I can’t, financially.
Now we’ve bought a house and I want him to move out, but I can't afford the bills myself. I want him to pay the whole mortgage… not likely. We can sell, but we’d lose a lot of money.
Also, I’m interested in another man I’ve known for 18 months. When we met, he had a girlfriend and they have a kid together.
Recently, he left his girlfriend and we confessed feelings for each other. Nothing has happened between us.
However, he doesn't want to be "the other guy." But I'm not in a position to get divorced and I don't want to make rash decisions for someone I haven't even dated. I want to get to know him.
Everyone says cheating is horrible, bad, and disgusting and if you hate your marriage so much, then leave. But that's not an option for me. I’m also scared that my kids will hate and blame me later for leaving their father. But I’m so unhappy.
Divorce Or Cheat?
It’s easy to rationalize why you should cheat. You do have serious marital problems, but you’ve decided to stick around for financial reasons.
Unfortunately, that doesn’t make cheating okay. And an affair can affect your kids as negatively as a divorce, because they will eventually know. Your husband will make sure of that.
The “already-other guy” is trying to make the right decision. Get financial advice and either set in motion a reasonable separation or you two must stop teasing towards an affair.
Your husband would, by law, have to support you and the kids if you separate. You may have to sell this house, but he’ll still have to help provide a place to live.
Get more counselling and decide if you’re ready for a responsible plan of action… or just itching for a risky fling?
Many of my women friends at home with young kids do a lot of driving, organizing, feeding, cleanup, and we all have the same complaint… no sex.
Our husbands are also busy with work and whatever responsibilities they do at home, so everyone’s tired at night.
But the men don’t understand our need for more cuddling and feeling desired. It’s the no sex that makes us more stressed than ever.
It sounds like attempts at an awkward dance of Porcupines and Bears. No one wants to cuddle either.
Many women sound and appear like prickly “porcupines” when we’re running the house, kids, and chores (I’ve been there, so I know).
And the men seem like bears, when they return grumpy and tense from the demanding work world.
So both partners need “down time” before easing into cuddling and sex. Time for some pre-planned “soothers” – yes, a date night even if it’s in your own room with a glass of wine when the kids are asleep, a shower together, whatever.
You both need to feel desired.
I’ve been "friend-zoned" since early high school, until now in third-year university. We’ve been close and it’s been obvious that I have feelings for her, but nothing happened. I’ve tried to get over her without success.
Should I tell her my feelings? I fear she’ll tell me to get over it, leaving me heartbroken and lost, while also creating a more awkward friends-only relationship.
We’re studying in different provinces, so I understand why she wouldn’t want to commit to anything, but I’m worried about wasting more years on someone who may never like me.
Tell her your feelings, both as a friend and a hopeful. Say you’d like to try to date once you’re in the same place, but expect nothing till then.
Tell her why you like her and woo her long-distance. But don’t push or sound needy. Leave room for your long, close friendship to last, if possible.
Tip of the day:
If suffering in a bad marriage, get good legal and financial advice, separate responsibly, and leave finding someone else till later.