I’ve had a hard year recovering from two sudden deaths of loved ones, and dealing with huge disappointments in friends who didn’t provide any support.
I found dating tedious – the same jerks, the same-old come-ons.
And then I met him – he’s sensitive, thoughtful, expressive, and the chemistry between us was instant. Sex is spectacular; we’ve become so close, confiding everything.
He’s married, the father of a young son he adores, and says he could never leave.
It gets worse. We met just as he’s packing up for a job overseas, and his wife and child are going too, even though he says he’s no longer in love with her.
He says she’s changed a lot over the years.
This move overseas, where they both can work and have family, was to be a grasp at a better life. But now, he’s as distraught as I am that we cannot continue to see each other. We’ve grabbed every opportunity, even as little as an hour, because the feelings are so strong and mutual.
I can’t understand myself. I’m in my late-30s, matured a lot this year, and was determined to not have more stress in my life.
How have I chosen such a complicated relationship? What hope is there in it for me?
After feeling so despondent, a sudden chance at passion and drama must’ve felt like a lifeline. That’s why you chose it, because the very complications are what gave your life new interest… for awhile.
You don’t know each other well, only in the heat of intense attraction, sexual chemistry, and fleeting time. You both know that once he and his family leave, he’ll be caught up in their activities settling there.
Your choice will then be to 1) wait here pining and hoping that he decides to return, - but carrying with him the guilt over leaving his son.
OR, 2) be grateful for this return of your positive life force, and move on.
My daughter broke off with someone whom she thought was the love of her life. She tossed away her birth control pills, deeming them unnecessary.
Not too long after (a few months) she started to date a nice enough guy who’d been her friend only for several years.
They enjoy being together. Now she’s pregnant. They’re moving in together. He is all for having the baby... though there’s no mention of marriage as yet... but he’s fully supportive of the needs of the baby.
She said he’ll be a great father, but I don't hear her talk about love.
I don't know what to make of this situation. They’re both in good careers and both over 25.
I will be there for her and the baby, but I’m in a quandary about the whole situation.
Focus on the baby, not on the quandary, especially since they don’t seem to have one.
They’re adults, and seem to be making sound decisions. And your daughter doesn’t have to explain everything.
Perhaps, since she ended it, the “love of her life” turned out to be weak, disrespectful, or a cheater, or uninterested in having kids.
Perhaps her friend showed the qualities she found she really wanted most in a partner, and so she welcomed the pregnancy.
And, most likely, these two have determined to welcome their child and make a go of a life together. Marriage isn’t their priority now, but may be later on. After all, they didn’t have to move in together, to help support the child.
FEEDBACK Regarding the girl, 14, who’s uncomfortable being “out in the open” and wants to take all her classes online to avoid going to high school with other students (April 21):
Reader – “It sounds to me like this young person may be what has been named “highly sensitive.”
“You might suggest that she, and/or her parents, read “The Highly Sensitive Person - How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You” by psychologist Elaine N. Aron Ph.D.
“The book’s concepts were a revelation to me, at 75 years of age, and to many others as well. It’s very helpful and supportive. I finally understand, and know how to deal with myself and my difficulties when “out there,” much better than I did before.”
Ellie – Elaine Aron has written several books and workbooks on high-sensitivity children and adults, and her research since 1991 has shown the trait exists in 15-20 per cent of the population.
Tip of the day:
Complicated relationships are sometimes the kick-start to re-examining your life choices.