My partner has debt from a previous relationship, which she refuses to discuss. But it’s become her primary complaint.

I find it difficult to maintain a relationship with someone who cannot share her past, especially when it’s affecting the present.

She finished a contract and has been seeking a new job for three months. She’s also contemplating returning to school for a profession she thinks she’ll love.

I believe that won't fix things (less pay in a new industry vs. 10+ years of experience in her current industry).

She’s in her mid-30s. I feel that being realistic (taking a well-paying job to pay off debt first), trumps going back to school for a profession with no guarantees.

My attempts to communicate are always shut down when the subject’s raised.

Or, I’m told that I won’t understand due to our different upbringings (my family being around to support me vs. her living on her own since 18).

I love her, but don't know how a healthy relationship can last like this.

I understand her troubled past of a deadbeat father and this debt, but not discussing it makes things worse.

Am I wrong to leave her when she’s going through a rough patch?

We have a great time otherwise, but I feel that not being able to communicate issues is a deal breaker.

Torn

Yes, it’s wrong to leave while she’s struggling and worried.

You say you love her, but sound like you just want to cut and run.

Look closer – you already both knew you had very different backgrounds. Yet now, when those differences are affecting her thinking, you’re angry instead of compassionate.

She’s embarrassed about her past. That’s why she won’t discuss her debt. She made poor decisions, had to borrow to survive.

Maybe she hates her current field. Or feels like a failure for not finding a new job.

She sounds desperate, not at her best for long thoughtful discussions.

This is the time to be on her side. If communication’s still a problem when things settle down, that’s when to get relationship help together.

If it doesn’t get resolved then and is the deal-breaker, you’ll know you tried.

 

My granddaughter, 14, and I are extremely close. She confides in me.
She told me that her mother asked to read her texts from her boyfriend of one month, and she refused.

I feel that a child needs some privacy. She’s a good girl who does well in school.

I realize that you have to pay attention to what your child’s doing. Also, I won’t discuss this with my daughter as I want my granddaughter to always feel she can talk to me.

What advice would you give?

Supportive Grandma

It’s wonderful that she can tell you everything and feel safe.

But her mother’s right to wonder about a young daughter’s relationship.

Ask why she refused. Go beyond “privacy.” Inquire whether there’s anything she feels uncomfortable about, because that’s what really matters.

You should be able to tell by her body language – if she hesitates or looks away – whether she’s more troubled than she’s saying.

She may just be embarrassed that she and this boy like each other. But if he asked for more than that, she may be scared.

If you suspect that she’s upset, say that when something doesn’t feel right, her parents are, like you, not going to judge her. She needs to trust them too, no matter the problem.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who blames her boyfriend for her dog’s death (October 7):

Reader – “I disagree with not forgiving the boyfriend if he doesn’t own up to being lax and causing her grief.

“Forgiveness is not conditional. What will this girlfriend decide to do the next time her boyfriend wrongs or hurts her again? (It’s bound to happen because we’re all human).

“Will she justify more un-forgiveness?  That places rifts/wedges in relationships. It affects the person who chooses not to forgive more than the person who needs forgiveness.

“Why not forgive him and discuss concerns with his irresponsibility, lax behaviour, and the consequences?

“In my experience, forgiveness helps to heal from the issue and move on with life. If I hadn’t forgiven the people who did things to me in my life, I don’t even want to know where I’d be today. I believe this applies to all things - big and small.”