I’ve been friends with a girl for six years; we hung out numerous times on campus. Since University, we still occasionally speak, and have had lunch a couple of times while we both worked downtown.
Three years ago she visited me at work spontaneously, while downtown with her brother and his friends. I was flattered.
I’ve always had feelings for her but felt much stronger that day - a spark and a connection that I hadn’t felt in a long while.
I didn’t tell her because she was just getting over a job loss. We stood staring at each other and enjoying each other’s company.
I messaged her on Christmas; she messaged me on New Year’s. The only hurdle is that she lives in Hamilton and I live in Toronto.
Since we’ve been friends this long, what’s the best way to express my true feelings? Should I tell her next time we get together?
I’m 28. Where are the best places in Toronto to meet other single women my age?
That last question says it all…. you so lack confidence in yourself that you’re already hedging your bet that she won’t share your feelings, and already thinking how to meet other women.
If you show her this little confidence, you’re doomed.
Many people commute daily between Hamilton and Toronto, so it’s not exactly a chasm between you…. there’s plenty of opportunity to build a dating relationship, but you need to start, not rush.
Tell her you’d like to see her… you’ll come to Hamilton, if she prefers, stay in a hotel, and go out to dinner or to a concert, or both.
Next time, invite her to come to Toronto, and take in some of the entertainment and restaurants there. Offer to split the cost of a hotel for her, if she’s worried about the expense.
After those two “dates,” it’ll be clear that you want more than distant friendship and occasional contact, and you can discuss feelings.
Do NOT start seeking other potential dates during this period of learning whether a relationship with this friend is possible.
My daughter, who married two years ago, has not yet consummated sex. She says that sex is dirty and she’s also afraid of having it.
When my husband and I express our concerns, she says that she’d love to have a baby, and that she’s contemplating an artificial insemination.
The couple lives together in an apartment, the boy, who is under her sponsorship, is very patient and is still tolerating her.
It’s likely there was much to be concerned about before this. Her husband’s “sponsorship” means he’s an immigrant she brought out from his country, and for whom she’s financially responsible for some period.
He’s “tolerating” her because he needs her. But that won’t last long. Whether he’s straight or gay, and/or they have some “arrangement”, he’ll want to move on. So, if she goes ahead towards having a baby, she’ll be on her own.
You call him a “boy” which indicates he lacks maturity in your eyes. The situation sounds very worrisome – two not very stable-seeming individuals, yet playing loose with immigration and the concepts of marriage and motherhood.
She needs to talk to a therapist about many things, including sex and her sexual fear. You might also suggest family therapy so you can be aware of her issues and stay helpful to her.
You should talk to a lawyer to be prepared for where this can go, and hopefully prevent major trouble ahead.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman whose daughter’s nanny was texting her husband, not her, about child-care details and was flirtatious with him (March 25):
Reader – “The woman was hesitant to fire the nanny because her daughter was happy with her.
“I think she should’ve fired her immediately. Anyone who looks after your child must be totally trustworthy.
“By sneaking behind the mom's back with her suggestive texts, the nanny displayed that she could not be trusted.
“The husband is a little guilty in that he didn’t disclose the number of texts and their content to his wife.
“The child would be much happier losing the nanny and adjusting to a new one than adjusting to one day potentially losing her dad and living through a divorce.
“Life is stressful enough without having to monitor a nanny to see if she stops flirting with your husband. No nanny is that good.”
Tip of the day:
Build your feelings for someone through shared times, before just announcing interest.