My boyfriend of eight years and I are both 28. He’s loving, caring, funny, and thoughtful.
But I have doubts about marrying him.
My immigrant parents worked extremely hard to give me opportunities. So I’m extremely ambitious and hardworking, with very high personal standards.
My boyfriend’s parents didn’t encourage achievement or hard work, which is partly why I think he’s unambitious, lazy, scared to try, yet feels entitled.
He wants a big house, nice car, cottage, trips, etc. but isn’t willing to stretch himself to achieve them.
He has a decent job at a big company and says he’d like a promotion but does nothing to improve himself.
He often stays home from work and says it's okay because everyone else does it. I’m changing and trying to improve myself while he’s staying the same.
When I try to discuss some of the things I’m interested in, he’ll brush it off, express little interest, or patronize me.
I'm scared of being with someone who won't grow. Am I being overly critical? Do I need to accept his nature and either stay or go, based on that? Or is there someway to light a fire under him?
Look at yourselves, instead of comparing parents. You’re driving, and he’s not. That difference in a couple can create balance IF there’s respect. Calling your guy lazy and scared does not reflect that respect.
Tell him you want what he wants, but you don’t want to be knocking yourself out to afford them, while he does little and benefits.
Either he shapes up (but doesn’t have to be exactly like you or your parents), or ships out on his own.
But give him a chance to try.
My step-dad of 40 years and I aren’t speaking, and I’m unsure if I should go see him - 24 hours’ drive away.
After my mom died, he sent each adult child $2500 at her request, from her life insurance after all bills were paid. I didn’t cash my check; I wanted to get something that reminded me of her.
He started dating someone a couple of months later but had said he wouldn’t remarry.
Suddenly, he announced he was marrying her within weeks. I’d only met her once.
I said I wasn’t pleased, that I wouldn’t attend but would send my teenage daughters.
We’d previously talked about taking care of his assets. My brother lives with him, dependent for life.
I called my sister and asked if Dad had a prenuptial agreement. Unfortunately, she was with him and the woman. She texted that Dad was livid that I was only worried about his money.
On his birthday, I sent a card and letter wishing him well and explaining my worries.
No response. I was very hurt. My sister let it slip that he gave them all an additional $5000 each.
When my $2500 check was about to expire I asked if I should return it or cash it. It was a way to reach out.
He simply said, return it. I did.
I’ve not heard from any family for three months. It's 21 months since my mom died.
Missing Mom Daily
You’ve been grieving, so has he. After 40 years married, he realized he couldn’t live alone. Your disapproval disturbed his sorrow that she passed, but he determined to have a new life.
Visit him. Apologize. He had the right to remarry, the right to manage his own assets. You need your family.
After my husband went on a hunting trip, I did the family laundry at the Laundromat. I found a pair of ladies’ sexy undies when we were folding the clothes, and questioned him.
He said someone else must’ve left it behind in the washer or dryer. I believed him.
That was several years ago. I recently found out he was cheating on me; we’re trying to work through this.
Now I’m not so sure he was telling the truth about the underwear, although it could’ve been true. Should I give him the benefit of the doubt?
Deal with the cheating you do know about, it speaks for whatever reasons he’s been unfaithful… whenever.
If “working through” means going to couples’ counselling together, and airing your hurt, plus his motivations, the undies are a small detail.
But if it’s just his saying “sorry, never again,” and you simply believing him, your doubts will linger.
Tip of the day:
Say what you need to stay together, and allow some time to measure up.