I just saw an episode of a TV show in which a character says he considers fantasizing cheating, so he can't sexually fantasize about another woman until he develops an elaborate story in which his wife dies. Until I saw this show I thought I was the only one!
I'm a woman and whenever I find someone attractive, I can't enjoy sexually fantasizing about that person unless I develop a storyline in which my hubby isn't alive.
I feel horrible about it as my hubby's great and I'd be devastated if he were gone. But the fantasies aren't the same without this. Is something wrong with me, or is this more prevalent than I thought?
Millions of people have fantasies, yet they're rarely openly discussed. Ironically, many are common themes - from self-directed images of being "ravaged" by someone, to a repeated imaginary reel of having sex in public.
These inner sexual turn-ons are usually so at odds with how people behave and think in real life, that they feel embarrassed about them. Your "dead spouse" fantasy is clearly a sub-conscious way of justifying the release you get from playing out your fantasy as the hot-to-trot widow.
Now you know - you're not alone, and your fantasy is considered "normal."
But here's something more to consider: Fantasies send clues about wanting more from your sex life. It's not that you want your husband out of the picture, it's that you want to have some of the drama and passion of your "story" infused into your lovemaking.
Tell him; by acting out some of the feelings you have in your fantasy, but without telling him he's not part of it!
I'm 56, married for 34 years, and have three grown children. I've been in an abusive relationship - he hit me in our early years together, even once while I was pregnant, and another time after surgery.
I've been thinking about those incidents a lot, recently. The physical abuse finally stopped ten years into our marriage, but the mental abuse went on for 25 years.
He was also abusive to our children, particularly our son. He drinks every night and watches porn because I can't bring myself to have sex with him. I shut myself off, and am no longer communicating with him.
While the kids were at home, I was able to cope day-to-day and raised wonderful human beings, but I've lost my passion.
I asked him to move out and won't allow him in my bed, so he's moved into our daughter's room. He says he's changed and I won't give him the opportunity to show me.
He will be retiring soon, so we'd be together 24/7. Is there any possibility of making this work, and what would it take?
Your asking the question reveals that you have a glimmer of hope. The simple answer.... you can give it a try, or end it if you feel it doesn't work.
BUT, he must show change in every way. If he does, you must show acceptance. IF he was to cut back on alcohol, attend counseling for anger management, and you would have therapy to get past those early years of abuse, you might have a chance.
Those are crucial first steps. The next one is couples' counseling, whereby you learn new ways to be together, and also have some independent time to grow and learn as individuals during the retirement years.
My sister's dating a man with a kid. I brought him a toy and he broke the arms off on purpose. He has a habit of breaking arms or legs off toy figures.
The father didn't say a word to me - no "I'm sorry," and no talking to his son to set a good example.
He hates to admit when he or his son are wrong. My sister didn't apologize either.
Focus on who's the child here. The boy may be going through an angry adjustment phase (new live-in girlfriend), or he may have deeper problems including poor behavioural direction from his father.
Your role is to be a loving "aunt," and gently help your sister be kind and loving, too. But tread lightly when dealing with the child of someone whom you don't like or respect. Next time, bring a toy that's meant to be taken apart and put together again.
Tip of the day:
Fantasies are common and normal so long as you don't obsess about them, nor force them on others.