I’m a man who waited till age 32 before I had sex.
It was underwhelming, painful, and uncomfortable.
Now, almost a year after my first time, I no longer desire sex, but I do want a life companion.
But I feel that women won’t want to be with a man who doesn’t desire them sexually.
It also leaves me feeling I’m less of a man compared to those surrounding me.
Is it fair of me to seek a relationship without sexual intimacy?
I fear that if I do seek this, I’ll be ridiculed when it comes to light that I just want someone to share life with me, but not sex.
No Sex For Me
I’m suspecting that you’ve also avoided seeing a doctor to find out why sex was painful.
Even a simple Google search is informative, but you need a medical doctor to examine you and discover which explanation may apply.
For instance, Peyronie's disease is one of the most common causes of sexual pain in men.
The characteristic sign is a visible curvature or hourglass shape of the penis when erect.
Also, physical damage to the penis causes plaque and scar tissue to build up — usually on the top of the penis.
There are ways to treat Peyronie’s disease, which your doctor or a specialist can discuss with you.
This condition can cause pain even without sex, so it’s certainly worth investigating.
Other potential reasons for pain: Prostatitis, urinary tract infections, and yeast infections, dermatitis.
There are both men and women who seek companionship without sex.
However, it’s a lot harder to find a like-minded partner, if you don’t even have an informed explanation for your choice.
P.S. In case you’re gay, the medical information as to what caused the pain and why, is still important for you to pursue.
My boyfriend of almost one year has revealed a huge secret. I thought I could handle it: He's a “brony.”
It means he’s an adult man who’s a fan of “My Little Pony.”
(Ellie Note: My Little Pony is a toy and merchandise enterprise that was popular in the ’80s, but resurged in 2010 when the animated TV series My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic popularized the franchise – initially for little girls.
But adult men who call themselves Bronies, also became fans.)
I mostly don't mind. He doesn't look up crazy stuff online, he doesn't buy merchandise, dress up like a pony, or go to any meet-ups.
However, he wants me to watch it with him.
I watched a few episodes alone, but can't help cringing and don't think I can keep a straight face if watching with him.
I don't want to hurt his feelings. He wants a date night at home soon, when I'm certain he'll bring it up and I'll have to make a decision.
What to Do?
Read the research online, as I have. So far, your boyfriend’s interest is neither all-consuming, nor harmful to your relationship.
Bronies haven’t been found to be men who are perverts or secretly gay. It appears they just enjoy the online “community” of guys who find the show fun and interesting due to the character-driven plots.
Devoted fans even attend adult male conventions.
So yes, watch it with him at least once. But first ask what he looks for in each episode. And what he enjoys about being part of this group.
Once aware, you’ll know whether this no-longer-secret of his asks for more from you than just occasional viewing company.
FEEDBACK Regarding the wife considering leaving her alcoholic husband (Sept. 10):
Reader – “Al-Anon (and Al-Ateen) are great support groups for people dealing with the fall-out of someone else’s drinking in their lives.
“Leave” should make a call to them, or check their website to find a meeting.
“It’s positive action she can take for herself and her baby in a spiralling situation.”
Ellie – Correction: In my Sept. 10 column I made a typing mistake and suggested Alcoholics Anonymous for this wife. I meant to write Al-Anon, which I often recommend for people living with another’s alcoholism.
When people share their stories of how they handle their lives and responses to alcoholic family members/close friends, and discuss which boundaries work and strategies are effective, essential information is being shared.
As well, the new possible ways of reacting help them decide what they can accept and what they cannot.
Tip of the day:
Pain during sex calls for seeing a doctor to determine the cause. Period.