Dear Readers – I’ve been rightly taken to task for my response to a woman, “Untrusted,” who was hurt that her exclusive partner of seven months still used condoms though both had tested clean for STI’s (sexually transmitted infections) and she’s on a birth control pill (August 8):

Reader #1 – “Not all people who say they’re faithful actually follow through.

“Sexual health counsellors repeatedly recommend using condoms in relationships unless a couple’s trying for a child.

“This man, trying to protect his own sexual health, should be respected.

“Health advocates are noticing an alarming trend of younger people not using condoms and increasing STI's, especially syphilis.

“This woman’s reaction also seems like somewhat of a control move.

“If you truly love someone you should respect their wish to use protection… not the other way around.”

Reader #2 – “There are more than trust issues at play when deciding to engage in sexual activities without using condoms.
“My partner of 11 years (whom I trust and love completely) and I still regularly use condoms when engaging in sexual activity.

“Five years ago, we had a scare - neither of us want children and she had an interaction with a drug to clear up a fungal infection that rendered her birth control pill useless, which we found out after she started taking it.

“As soon as we learned of this, we’ve been extra careful.

“Condoms are emphasized as an important tool in combating unwanted pregnancy.  As a man, it’s the one of the few ways to be confident that sexual activity does not produce children.

“In addition, the typical use of the birth control pill is less than 100 % effective against stopping unwanted pregnancy.

“You can trust your partner – and we do - but we trust math more.

“The combined use of typical condom use and typical birth control use results in 99.99% effectiveness.

“To put that in comparative terms, typically, one out of every 1000 users of both methods results in unwanted pregnancy.
“Condoms also aid in sexual performance, which would allow her partner to “last longer” in the sex act, which may be a concern of his, given their imbalance of previous dating history.

“After only seven months, I wouldn’t trust a new partner implicitly.

“I wouldn’t know that person’s habits well enough to be certain that she’s perfect about taking her birth control pill, especially if we were not living together.

“Her partner knows that if she gets pregnant, he has a legal and moral responsibility for the child if it makes it to term.

“There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to have children, and I believe even more so that there’s nothing wrong with being cautious, especially this early in their relationship.
“They haven’t even let his parents know they’re together.  There are bigger issues at play here.
“Her reaction is more than an issue of hurt feelings.”

Ellie – I have no argument with the sentiments expressed by these readers, and recognize that I should’ve made it clearer in my response to “Untrusted” that I was only dealing with the hurt she felt… that he didn’t really trust her.

I said his thinking in this case was emotional – he’s not just avoiding pregnancy and infection, but also protecting himself from the reality that they won’t last.

But I agree that I should’ve stressed that condom use is the more effective choice for anyone trying to avoid pregnancy and STI’s.

I had to end a friendship with a friend four years ago because my parents didn’t approve.

He was a few years older and had a difficult childhood.

I want to contact him, but am unsure if I should, given the history.

Missing My Friend

Without knowing your age, and whether this was a casual or serious friend, or possibly a romance, the main consideration is this:

Why did your parents disapprove?

If they were prejudiced against him for some reason you find unjust, and if you have more independence now, you could contact him.

But you’ll have to consider whether they’ll ever accept him as someone close to you.

So ask yourself - can you handle being distanced from your parents over this person?

However, if their objections weren’t as serious as that, consider telling them that you miss him and want to contact him.