My wife of five years and I had great sex before marriage, but not since she got pregnant with our first child, who’s now four. We now have a new baby, too.
Our sex life occurs only rarely, with months of me trying. She leads me to believe we’ll have sex, but changes her mind last minute.
She blames me: e.g. She’ll say I started an argument earlier in the day, which ruined things.
I have to walk on eggshells around her or there's no hope of sex.
Or, she’ll say I approach her when she's too tired. But when I've approached her much earlier she says, "later," and just delays.
She says she’s attracted to me but you'd never know. I'll never leave her, as I've already been divorced. What can I do?
Two pregnancies and two babies within five years makes for a lot of work, and a lot of hormone changes. Many women have a difficult time adjusting to all this, but I agree that just withholding sex isn’t helpful to your relationship.
Something’s holding her back that you need to find out. Instead of seeking sex, go for intimate conversation that expresses your concern about how she feels. Does she need a babysitter, housekeeping help, more shared chores?
Woo her with caring, compassion, and comfort.
If it doesn’t work, suggest you go to counselling together, since you both deserve a fulfilling marriage.
I’d asked a very good friend to be my Maid of Honour for my wedding next spring. She and my fiancé had a large falling out (they never did get along).
This weekend she called my fiancé a jackass because he wouldn’t help her find a good deal on a home renovation.
I told her she had no right to call him names, as he’s agreed to have her in the party despite their differences.
She’s said that I should be embarrassed that my first ring wasn't a real diamond (I chose it). She’s demonstrated no interest in helping me with any wedding planning. She wants to use an older dress of hers, as opposed to buying a new one (which she can afford) and said she isn’t holding a shower for me as she doesn’t know my friends' phone numbers.
I’m tired of her snide comments and willing to walk away from the friendship.
Do I call her and say she’s out, or assume the recent blowout took care of that?
Do I need another bridesmaid, as there are two groomsmen?
Maid of Dis-Honour
You may think you can just assume she’s out, or that an abrupt phone call will do it, but that’s not how it’ll play when you’re discussed among mutual friends.
Neither of your choices are decent ways to deal with a once-good friend. You need to take some responsibility, yourself, for unwisely asking someone your fiancé doesn’t like to be so central in the wedding party.
Take her for coffee, and say how sorry you are that things have gone badly. No blame, no re-hash of who said what, when. Just say that you get it that she has no enthusiasm for the MOH duties, and that’s fine, she needn’t continue.
I think it’s unnecessary to appoint another bridesmaid… the existing one can be flanked by two groomsmen (traditionalists may disagree).
And it avoids looking obvious that the MOH has been turfed.
The friendship’s already damaged, but you can still show dignity in handling this.
“You seem to receive many men’s complaints that their wives aren't interested in sex, or they’re not attracted to their wives anymore. They always seem to blame their wives.
“Their letters are always about what they want. Perhaps they’d get further if they stopped being so selfish and focused on what their wives want and need.
“Maybe if their wives didn't work outside the home full-time, then have to come home to do the bulk of the housework, drive kids to activities, pick up after a grown man, and make dinner, they might be more interested in sex.
“Perhaps if the sex wasn't all about what the men wanted and they paid more attention to what their wives wanted, they’d see more action.
“I told my husband, Try cooking dinner and cleaning up too on a regular basis, then pay attention to your wife in bed, and things will get a lot better.”
Tip of the day:
Adjustments to marriage and babies are harder on some women, who want understanding/help more than sex.