Dear Readers – Here’s a topic that some might find disturbing, but I’m responding because it’s being raised increasingly, especially by younger women who write me:
I'm attending college, and until six months ago, I was a virgin.
I’ve had three boyfriends these past six months and believe my current boyfriend’s thinking about moving on.
Every boyfriend has asked me if I can do butt sex, and I’ve said No.
My girlfriend said it’s painful.
Why do boys want butt sex more than regular sex? Should I give in and allow this, to satisfy my current boyfriend?
A Sexual Choice?
It’s been described as “the sex you cannot speak of,” such that women won’t even ask their own doctors about it.
Yet, while studies show increases since the 1990s in numbers of people ages 18-to-44 who’ve tried it, heterosexual anal sex isn’t usually a woman’s preference.
Under duress, it can be an uncomfortable, even physically harmful experience.
For those who are okay with it, and it’s a consensual act, that’s their private business, unless the law prohibits it (in some countries).
Sex is meant to be for mutual pleasure, not just to satisfy the other person, and not under pressure and fear.
Your No has to mean NO. Giving in to keep a boyfriend, means giving up your right to personal choice and boundaries, which can extend to other demands.
The boys you’re dating who are asking for it, given their age group, have been influenced by the massive proliferation of porn on the Internet, in which anal sex is often featured.
You should be informed when responding to this request.
Anal sex has some health risks. Without a condom it carries a high transmission rate of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), and especially of HIV from a carrier.
The American Cancer Society has said that most anal cancers seem to be linked to infection with the human papilloma virus (HPV), which is readily spread from one person to another during sexual contact.
The risk is greatest if you’ve had numerous partners.
Get smart about being sexually active. Take time to trust a guy, and state your limits before considering him a boyfriend.
Your comfort with varied sexual activity may change over time, but never accept force.
Anal sex can be very painful if aggression’s involved, and without consent, can be considered sexual assault or rape.
My husband and I are high-school sweethearts, together for ten years, married for two.
Recently, while texting one of our mutual friends, the conversation drifted towards his sexual fantasies.
I initially flirted, but quickly stopped the conversation at that turn and haven't talked to him again.
Our friendships are all since high school and flirting isn't uncommon. We’re all in committed relationships and meet as couples.
I now feel horrible, like I cheated on my husband.
Do I need to talk to him? I'm so embarrassed.
Did I Cheat?
You didn’t cheat, but you did glimpse that slippery slope and wisely pulled back.
Flirting can easily get out of hand. It’s fun, flattering, and escapist. If it happens when feeling in a rut, or annoyed at your partner, the lift it brings can become addictive.
Don’t berate yourself over this, since you stopped it.
Mention it to your husband, so this small incident doesn’t come back to you in any way.
Add that you had realized how the closeness of this high-school friendship group could become too cozy, if couples don’t have clear boundaries.
My sister used to visit while our babies/toddlers played together. When hers were age six and seven, she came without them.
She became more distant with me, but still visited my children. She’s very private/secretive so I didn’t probe. I knew she wouldn’t explain truthfully.
So one day I started making excuses about why she couldn't come over.
We’re completely estranged now. Is there another way I could’ve handled this?
You can’t re-do the past, but you can try a fresh approach.
Tell her you and your children miss her, and you dearly wish that all the cousins could know each other.
Say that you’re deeply sorry if you previously offended her in some way. Say you respected her privacy, but regret that you hadn’t tried to resolve this long ago.
If you do nothing, nothing changes. If you contact her and it doesn’t work, ditto. But at least you’ll have tried, and there’s a chance.
Tip of the day:
If you’re sexually active, be sexually smart. Get informed and know your limits.