I’m 21 and a virgin. I’ve had relationships with men, but never had sex because I believed I shouldn’t give myself until I know I’m in love with someone who loves me. I was raised with that view.
But, internally, it’s frustrating me.
I want to have sex. I feel that I’m missing out, but also feel I shouldn’t give my virginity just based on feeling horny.
I’m currently seeing someone and fighting my urge for sex because the feelings of love don’t exist right now.
That doesn’t mean there’s no potential for love. Should I keep waiting?
I know I must answer that myself, but want someone else’s input.
A Virgin’s Dilemma
You can easily get several different answers, especially from guys who want to be your “first.” But that’d be only about the experience of sex. And your own doubts might make it feel disappointing.
Be true to yourself. Your upbringing was likely based on your family’s religious beliefs and/or a healthy desire to keep you safe from unwanted pregnancy or immature choices.
If you share their religious beliefs, you may still want to wait for love because it’ll feel “right” to you.
However, if you’re now mature enough to assess a potential lover’s caring and respect for you, the sexual urge may become too strong to resist.
Meanwhile, get informed. Decide on a form of birth control, make sure a potential sex partner has tested clear of sexually transmitted infections, and also wears a condom.
If he refuses those suggestions, he’s only out for himself and not taking care of you.
Years back, I married a man from another country. We spent one to three months a year together in my country or his, over five years.
We had a daughter together. She last saw her father here at age one. She’s now ten.
He’s never sent support nor called. He sends birthday and Christmas emails and occasionally a gift.
She recently tried to reach out to him (I informed him she wanted to write). We never did divorce and I never dated again.
Recently, he passed away.
There’s small insurance money that I don’t feel comfortable taking. I want to sign it over to his family for burial expenses.
They want me to bring our daughter to the funeral in their home country. I don’t feel that’d be helpful or fair to her. He’s essentially a stranger.
Maybe his family finally wants to begin some relationship with her in his absence, but I hardly think a funeral is the way to make those introductions.
Will it be rude to decline the invitation?
A Stranger’s Funeral
Your daughter will one day (soon enough) ask you more about her father and why she’s met no one else in his family.
The arrangement you and he had was mutual, I’m not blaming you for it. But your daughter might.
He may’ve been a “stranger,” but she’s more likely to think of him as the contributor of half her DNA. She’ll want to know a lot more about him and her blood relatives.
As her sole parent, this is your decision to make. But talk to her about it. Perhaps offer the trip when she’s older, explaining that you think it’ll be too weird now to only see him at his funeral.
Tell her about his family. If possible, open communications between your daughter and them. Consider keeping the insurance money for a future trip there together when she’s older.
FEEDBACK Regarding “Frustrated Son” who feels his unemployed father, 60s, is “stuck in park,” and he’s worried the family can’t support him (February 23):
Reader – “This man’s dad is most likely bipolar. With medication, he can lead a better life, especially since he's given up the alcohol.
“The reason for my suggestion is that my husband, who’s 63-years-old, was diagnosed in 2014 with bipolar disorder.
“I knew something wasn't right, but it took 10 years to get a diagnosis (it also took five psychiatrists till we found the correct answer.)
“Bipolar disorder often doesn’t get diagnosed as such. People with this mental health condition (about 4% of the population have it) end up losing family, friends, and their employment.
“I send heartfelt best wishes to Frustrated Son and all his family.”
Ellie – Hopefully, your suggestion will encourage both the son and his father to get pro-active about improving his life.
Tip of the day:
A virgin-by-choice has to decide personally when feeling emotionally ready for sexual experience.