I feel that there will never be closure for me because my ex would never admit to all her sordid affairs.
But I slowly find out about them one at a time. It never ends. How do I get true closure?
“Closure” isn’t a door that opens and shuts for you. Instead, you have to walk through it yourself.
Stop searching for more evidence of her cheating, and stop feeling permanently betrayed.
It’s over. She’s gone. You have a life to live. Why choose to keep tormenting yourself?
“Sordid” is the right word and it applies to her character, and how she chose to live. You have better choices. Start NOW by looking forward, not backward. Delete everything that’s about her in your computer. End contact with anyone who knew of her cheating.
I’m 61. My boyfriend of 15 years has been a good support. My ex-husband of 22 years had developed schizophrenia, returned to his country, and we divorced. I received a small pension.
Our three sons have no contact with him. One developed schizophrenia, is on disability, and lives independently, but I’m his support.
We lost our house and all possessions. I couldn’t keep up on my own salary.
My oldest son married, has children, I see him only occasionally. My youngest moved far away, contacts me occasionally.
I felt so alone, vulnerable, and anxious. Then I met my partner.
I lived with him for two years in his house. It’s dark, dusty, and dirty. I was forever cleaning.
We have many different tastes. He likes processed foods, I like my own natural cooking; he cleans with highly perfumed products, I use unscented ones.
He’s very close to his daughters, now 28, and 25, who visit several evenings a week for dinner. They’re nice to talk to and smart, but dirty and leave a mess!!
I work long hours and was only home on weekends, using little of the utilities. But I’d pay $500-$600 a month for expenses (he asked for that) though I’d buy all my own food and necessities.
He pays 100% of vacations - usually a few days of hotel at the beach.
I have many reservations, but I want to stay with him because the alternative is emptiness and loneliness.
We converse well together, he’s a good listener, gives me undivided attention, and we play musical instruments together.
Last year I moved out. He was very sad and cried. But any apartment anywhere is too expensive for me to keep long-term.
I still see him on Fridays and Saturdays, and he wants me to move back in. I want to, mostly for financial reasons, but I know I’ll have to die a little again
Why can’t we compromise more? Help me see another direction.
Your wanting the relationship mostly for its financial benefit is an obvious reason why he’s not that willing to compromise.
He cares about you and needs to know you feel the same way. But you’re letting the differences block your feelings.
Be honest with him. Tell him his place is dirty and you don’t want to just be his housekeeper.
Say that you need to pay less towards utility bills, and divert a portion to weekly cleaning help.
Get him to taste some of your cooking and then you can season his separately as he likes.
Explain that you’ll both feel more secure in the relationship if you each try to compromise on these small but niggling matters.
FEEDBACK Regarding parents who let children use disorders like attention-deficit as excuses to not try hard at school:
Reader – “My youngest of three children was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (A.D.D.) when she was very young.
“Not once did we allow her to use her diagnoses as an excuse to not be able to complete any task.
“We instilled in her the understanding that because of it, she’d have to work harder then her peers but she could still accomplish anything she wanted, just like everyone else.
“We are all told if we work hard we can achieve our goals. Parents need to stop letting children use Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (A.D.H.D) and A.D.D. as an excuse for not wanting to do homework like any other kid!
“One note to add: My youngest was the only one of our children to complete high school on time and go to college.”
Tip of the day:
Closure is a door that you have to choose to walk through yourself.