I'm losing my hair and I hate it; my wife hates it more. I don't buy the myth of the sexy bald man. I'm considering a hair transplant.

My one reservation is the message to my daughters. I'll be modelling cosmetic surgery as a solution to disliking your looks. I don't want them to eventually have surgery.

Should I just swallow my pride if I want to be a good example?

Wrong Image

It's your head, Dad. Do your research - talk to, and look at men with hair transplants; study bald guys women consider "sexy." Check out your own skull appeal. Then decide.

Every major decision sends a message to children; so explain why this is so important to you, if you proceed.

Hair transplants are unlikely to be relevant to your daughters. What mostly affects their body image is how both parents handle issues of the girls' weight and appearance, as opposed to their inner confidence, pride of accomplishments, and self-esteem.

I'm a male, 67, my daughter, 40, married two years ago, moved to the U. S., had a baby. Her older daughter, 17, remained in Canada, living with her father, attending high school.

She's difficult - talks back, doesn't listen, very sloppy. We're not close. She fought with her father, moved to her boyfriend's family, then her uncle, back to her father.

She cannot stay in America because of conflicts with her stepfather, who threw her out. There were problems with her uncle: she observed no curfews, and skipped school sometimes. Her expenses have to be paid by her "caregiver" since her mom has no money.

Her uncle told my partner about these problems; she informed my daughter who claimed that her brother (the girl's uncle) wouldn't answer the phone when she called to discuss things.

Suddenly, my daughter left me a hate message: "My daughter's living on the streets somewhere, you don't have the f---ing brains to take her in, I'm writing you off, etc."

Ellie, she didn't say a word about this to me. I guess I was supposed to read the girl's mind, take her in, pay her expenses and accept her bad behaviour, just when I'd begun my new relationship.

Am I wrong? My daughter's not been in touch with me for over a year.

Flabbergasted Dad

It's not too late to do what's needed.

Grandparents have a choice regarding troubled grandchildren. "Been there, done my time," and "I have my own life to protect," can be somewhat understood responses, when others can take over.

But some crises require heavy resources. The alarms were long blaring - a mother who moved away, a new baby, a stepfather who washed his hands of the teenager, an uncle who couldn't control the girl, no cost sharing (the father?).

It was a doomed set-up for a "difficult" girl.

Your granddaughter still needs commitment, caring, compassion, and counselling. Yes, she could be trouble for a while yet, but at least you'll have tried to save her.

Ignore your daughter's nastiness (for now) and focus on trying to find the girl  - through the boyfriend, street workers, and police. Get information from social workers who deal with street youth, about what approaches to use.

Learn the strategies of negotiating a deal to help her want to help herself - perhaps an accommodation plan for her giving up any substance abuse or other illegal activity, or living with you if she goes back to school, whatever works.

Get the help you need, to help her.

If I call after several days, my mother answers, "Hello, I'm still alive." Several of her adult children try to have her for dinner, do something with her, while the others do almost nothing.

Yet she persists in attacking us. How can I respond in a healthy way without escalating it? If I question her (calmly), why she's speaking this way instead of having a conversation, she gets angry and hangs up.

The Martyr's Daughter

You're not alone. Many people write me about problems dealing with older parents living on their own, especially if the parents always use attention-getting tactics.

Previously, more people shared the brunt - their partners, friends, and other family. Now, it's hard to accept; but, for her, so is loneliness and anxiety.

Stay on the high road. Discuss among you how to be less reactive and stay positive, since there are no surprises to her outbursts, and she's unlikely to change.