My daughters, 18 and 16, were youngsters when their mother and I underwent a terrible divorce - my ex got everything, my life spiraled downward. 

I’ve been working overseas for four years, and paying support voluntarily. I rarely missed my access for the first six years.

My ex has consistently told my kids that their father doesn’t love them. My leaving the country has been used to validate that.

I chat online regularly with my eldest but my youngest won’t speak to me. Though I’ll be visiting their city briefly, they’re not interested to see me and told another relative I’m behind in support (untrue).

I’m concerned about their believing misconceptions and us spending no time together. I believe it’s best for them to at least have some sort of relationship with their father.

I’d returned for a year after my first two years away and they wouldn’t see me then either. Maybe I need to see them more than they need to see me.

It’s irresponsible of my ex to turn my kids against me to satisfy her own grudges.

- Still Hopeful

Stay hopeful and persistent; opportunities for seeing your daughters are still ahead. The situation is harder on them, than you – you want them to have conflicting loyalties, while living full-time with an alienating mother.  

Children commonly accept the custodial parent’s view, as it’s easier and safer. But most children secretly yearn to believe their other parent DOES love them. So maintain your outreach – by email, cards, letters, requests for visits, modest gifts for occasions, and of course regular support.

Keep your correspondence about them, not you. Show interest in every aspect of their lives you can ascertain, and occasionally mention a place or event you hope to share with them some day.

When the girls leave home for college or jobs (not so long from now), offer to help them move, get them settled, visit, anything that can get you together once they’re no longer under Mom’s influence only.

Last year, we agreed to move into a brand-new house with my parents – this allowed my mother to retire from her strenuous job, and helped my husband and I acquire our first mortgage.  

Previously, everyone got along but, though our living spaces are separate and privacy remained respected, there are huge problems and I'm in the middle.

My husband wants to move, and I agree that things are stressful and upsetting. But I don't know how to force this decision on my parents (both retired, with little money).

If we sell, they'll have to move into a smaller home, or a smaller town away from friends. My mom may even have to get a job again.

- Trapped

This plan isn't working, so you need a new one. Have a family meeting and discuss the issues: You don't name them, specifically, but they must be apparent at least to you and Hubby. 

Be open and honest about what is so upsetting… you're only "trapped, in the middle" if you stay quiet and let this ruin all the relationships in the house. Confronting problems is no more difficult than forcing everyone to move, so speak up.

Emerge from the meeting with a mutual commitment for everyone to try some compromises, and/or an agreement that if they don't work, you'll all willingly move, in order to return to family harmony (more important than a smaller home or larger mortgage).

A friend's having difficulty because two of our other close friends are planning to marry. 

He'd been close to both, but also had strong feelings for the girl. He'd told her so; she said she'd rather remain friends.

The couple's been considerate around this friend - minimizing their displays of affection, etc.

We'll all be involved with the wedding events. I'm feeling badly for my friend and don't like to see him hurting. How can I help him out?

- Concerned

His "hurt" is really awkward embarrassment, but it's also wasted negativity, as the couple still see him as a good friend. You should be encouraging his moving on, going out with new people, and also joining in when the group of friends gets together. 

The wedding is not at all about him, and you should divert him from immature wallowing in "poor-me." It'll hurt his self-confidence more than the event itself.