I’m deciding whether I’m his “rebound,” or if the guy’s actually falling for me. He’s 33, divorced eight months ago from an eight-year marriage.

We’ve been seeing each other a lot. He does really romantic things for me. He played a song because he wanted me to hear the lyrics - it sounded like he was giving me a message that he’s falling for me.

But the other night a song came up that made him really sad, which he said related to his marriage. He explained that unfortunately she still loves him and he feels bad about what he did (it ended due to an affair he had).

I’ve had trust issues before, but I don't feel anything’s going on as far as his not being exclusive with me.

He still lives in the home they built together, and is trying to sell it, but he still has a lot of her stuff around - her hair conditioner and toothbrush in the shower. He tends to mention her a lot.

Since he was cheating on her and they’ve divorced, and he seems really into me, why would he play a song she sang to him and makes him sad?

Is it possible he’s over her but still feeling guilt? Or, maybe I’m just filling the void of loneliness for him?

Am I His Rebound?

Few people come out of a divorce without some sadness… whether from guilt, sense of failure, or loss of innocence. They’re ready to move on, but they don’t just obliterate their memories, from which some triggers can continue to upset them.

Eight months isn’t a long break from his married past. He may be falling for you, but still responding to those triggers.

If you’re staying over at his place, gently ask if he’d remove her personal items from the shower.

If he continues to talk about his “sadness,” suggest he consider counselling to get past it.

However, if he’s still expressing nostalgia after six months of dating, tell him you need to know if this relationship is his rebound or for real.

 

I don’t believe a spouse should first call a lawyer upon separation. In my experience, family lawyers don’t serve the best interests of parents, couples, and especially children.

With exceptions, lawyers seek the most financial gain regardless of the cost to families. They bait, cajole, and resist collaborative mediation with the sole purpose of billing for their firms.

In Australia, there are mandated mediation (cooling off) periods, which couples must attend before getting into the legal system. This has the greatest benefit for the children. Canada (Ontario) has proposed reforming the system, but despite years of recommendations, it hasn’t happened.

Meantime, especially in Ontario, very strict family law rules automatically protect all sides without the need for lawyers. Mediation leads to a more dignified, quicker, and much less expensive divorce.

Been There

I agree that mediated divorces, whenever possible, are the better option than a drag-out battle between lawyers.

However, people who are taken by surprise and told that their spouse needs “time and space,” or is having an affair, need to get informed of their legal rights and responsibilities.

Too many spouses write me that they’re being threatened with losing the kids or being left with no money. They need a good understanding of the law to not be frightened into making bad decisions.

It doesn’t have to mean going to battle. There are also decent family lawyers out for their clients’ and children’s best interests.

 

I love spending time with this new man. But it’s only been a month and things are moving so fast! I’m already helping myself in the kitchen and calling him “Babe,” while he’s brushing his teeth in front of me.

We’ve already said we’d both prefer that neither of us see anyone else.

I don't want to ruin something potentially good. I don't want to say I’m busy when I’m not, but he’s always asking me out!

How can I put healthy boundaries on this after being so available?

Rushed but Concerned

Just do it. You’re right to be concerned.

A big rush often indicates insecurity on the other person’s part, which later reveals a tendency to control.

Be warm, honest, but firm: “We must slow down if we’re to make this last. It means still seeing our friends on our own, and having time alone, even while dating exclusively.”