Many of you have your own experiences to share, regarding scenarios you read from people seeking my advice. Here's one guy's exposure of self-confessed past lies and mixed messages. He offers them as red flags to women who ignore "odd" relationship signals:
Reader - "It's with pity and sadness that I read so many letters from nice women looking for insight and guidance, regarding odd relationship signals from some new man in their life.
"I was a bachelor for most of my 30s, and had a group of well-educated and decently-employed buddies who were similarly single.
"These are some of the crimes-against-the-truth that I saw perpetrated by my gender (embarrassingly, myself included), particularly on the first date or very early in the relationship:
1) "My wife and I don't have sex, and sleep in separate beds. We're only putting up appearances for the kids."
This guy is clearly not ready for a new relationship, let alone ready to treat you right.
2) "My wife doesn't understand me."
She probably does. Very well.
3) "Someday I'd like to have children."
May or may not be true, but it's a cheap and easy way to appear domestic-ready. Sadly, it's said by many men who don't know what they want, but know what a woman likes to hear.
4) "My ex cheated on me."
99% of the time, its a lie... and usually if this is said out loud, the GUY is the one who cheated. Most men whose ex actually did cheat won't tell the new girlfriend this until well into the relationship.
5) "I have to cancel our date tonight because [elderly relative] is sick."
Read: I got booty-called by someone who I physically can't quite quit. Only believe him if he asks you to join him in visiting the sick relative.
6) "I didn't answer your call because my cell was off."
7) "You and my ex would get along."
Read: Are you at all open to three-ways?
8) "I used to be in an open relationship."
Read: I was caught cheating.
8) "Not my place... its a mess."
Read: My girlfriend hasn't moved out yet... maybe because I haven't told her it's over yet.
Consider yourselves forewarned.
I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half because I couldn't stop snooping or forgive him for a few fibs/stupid things he'd done in the past.
I'd repeatedly raise them, yet he'd rarely get mad. We truly love each other; he's always willing to discuss feelings and how to improve the relationship.
He also changed some habits but I still couldn't stop snooping. I'd find something small, and make a huge deal about it.
Obviously I wasn't ready to accept that he'd be faithful to me. I decided it'd be better that we don't talk or see each other. I'm seeing a counsellor to probe any underlying issues, which might be contributing.
Snooping is an addiction.
Though I've never done it in past relationships, I'm concerned that I may continue in the future. What's a good "waiting" period to determine if I can get over these issues and perhaps pick up this relationship?
Still Care for Him
Stay with the counselling until you understand why this relationship triggered your obsession.
You need to learn strategies to stop searching for roadblocks to having a good relationship last.
Self-realization and internal change take time... there's no standard measure of how long. But hopefully you'll eventually learn to trust.... whether him, or just yourself.
My sister-in-law has children ages two and three. She's constantly yelling, giving idle threats, making them feel guilty, forcing them to eat when not hungry.
When I visit, it's stressful for all. The constant yelling makes my son, nine, cranky too. It's disruptive to our family meals. I've tried to lead by example, showing you can have your daughter sit without yelling or giving threats.
She's stubborn that she knows the right way. My mother offered suggestions to no avail. She's tried to talk to my brother but he tells his wife and then mom feels bad.
The children are smart, really good kids on their own. What do we do?
Continue good modeling without overt criticism. Invite the family to your place and handle things your way as much as possible. If she gains confidence, she may mellow. But if you eventually detect worse abuse, report it so she gets professional help.
Tip of the day:
When male OR female dating signals seem odd, something usually is.