I started dating a man when he was going through a divorce; when finished, he got the raw end; his ex got everything - house, car and kids. He was depressed, turned to drugs and drinking. 

I’ve been with him for six years and put him in rehab; he’s been clean and sober over five years.

His children spend weekends and the summer with us; I care for them as if they’re my own.

He says he isn’t ready to marry again, though if anyone, it would be me.

Should I not wait any longer? He says our living together should be enough and that I’m selfish and should be grateful that I have him and a great relationship. But, I was in one previously, for 12 years and nothing happened either.

- Never a Wife

Wise up… start with learning your legal rights as a common-law wife, which is what you are. Then, explain to Mr. Smug and Insensitive - without threatening - that he already has some financial obligations to you, that you love him as a full partner, but you need the commitment of marriage for your own self-image, and satisfaction. 

He’s been the selfish one so far, due to his past losses and needs and you accepted this; but no longer.

Now he needs to be grateful for all you’ve done and make it a mutually satisfying relationship. Or you walk.

If you don’t raise these stakes, nothing will change.

I’m 23, female, and in a committed, loving, trusting, happy five-year relationship, with my first (and only) partner. 

For six months, we’ve been discussing engagement and marriage, with a time-line and casually looked for a home together. He told his family he’ll be asking me to marry him. Yet, recently I’ve been yearning to experience connections with someone other than him, and also what it’s like to be a single, independent adult.

When I discussed these feelings, my partner responded with hurt (obviously), but also grace and consideration. He decided that if we take a break, I’ll have to risk losing him; otherwise, I’d be taking him for granted, knowing I’d want to go back to him (as I’m sure I’ll still want to spend my life with him).

Why do I feel this urge so strongly? It’s all I can think about. I’m terrified of later having to call off a wedding!

Is it selfish and unfair of me to want to experience single-hood for a while, and then go back to my partner?

- Torn

It’s a case of Unfair versus Disaster. It IS unfair of you to put this man in limbo, while you embrace whatever comes along, including sexual liaisons. But it’s a disaster to enter into an engagement, with the expectation you may have to end it due to restlessness, which can lead to foolhardy escapism. 

The only fair – but yes, risky – compromise is for both of you to part completely: That means, no contact for at least six months, full rights to date others, no confiding, recriminations or blaming about other involvements, if you get back together. It’s an equal opportunity approach, based on “what’s good for the goose, is good for the gander.”

It may not be what your partner is seeking, but it’s the only fair, constructive way for you both to discover whether you’ve got a relationship that can survive serious challenges, or one or both of you have just been hanging on.

My husband and I are constantly arguing about his parents (mostly mother); he never stands up to them, while I want him to demand their respect. 

I’m now refusing further contact with them until something changes, and would like an apology from his mother. It’s straining my marriage, as our children want a relationship with his mother.

- Holding Onto Resentments

If you allow resentments to break up your marriage and distance your children from you, his mother (if intentionally divisive) will have won the battle. 

OR, you can take the high road, and also help Hubby become a man, not a wuss. Get on his side, acknowledge that the situation is tough on him, too, and try to discuss some solutions, as a team.

With your support, he may be willing to discuss reasonable changes, such as setting boundaries (e.g. limits on phone calls, visits, bad-mouthing, whatever is frustrating/hurting you).