Part two of leftover questions from my live chat, Dealing With A Cheater (April 2):
I have a crush on my female friend, but haven’t told her, as I’m afraid it’d ruin the friendship since she has a boyfriend.
But I know from the guys in my dorm that her boyfriend’s a sleaze. He’s a big drinker, then goes with any girl he can find at bars or clubs or online sites. He goes home once a month for the weekend and comes back with his “conquest” stories.
Do I tell my friend about this? I worry that she’s going to get an infection from this guy.
She’s your friend; he’s not. Protect her, instead of protecting your secret.
Tell her what you hear, with the disclaimer that you didn’t hear this information first-hand. She should know what the guys in the dorm say he brags about.
Even if he exaggerates, it’s still disrespectful to her, and as a friend, you owe her the chance to ask him about it.
Can a couple survive one’s affair without it always hanging over them?
I love my husband, and he’s definitely ended that relationship and is trying hard to make it up to me. We’ve been to counselling. He says he values our marriage now more than ever, because he came so close to losing me when I discovered the affair.
But once the line is crossed, is it always possible again?
Only time will tell. But you can influence things positively by acknowledging how hard he’s trying, and by supporting his efforts by also being accepting and trusting.
This doesn’t mean ignoring obvious red flags, perhaps of behaviour that happened before, such as distancing, and/or his being too busy and tired for intimacy, etc.
Stay with the counselling till you can brush away the doubts that have no current basis.
Work with the NOW, not on the before. If you find you cannot put this behind you, see the counselor again together, and consider seeing someone individually if you need to look at other options.
I know my neighbour’s cheating. I see a woman come over to his house just a few doors away. She arrives every day after his wife has gone to work. He works at home.
I know this other woman isn’t working with him, as I already asked his wife (we’re friendly) if he has a team or partner and she said no, he’s on his own.
My ex-husband was unfaithful and broke my heart so I know what she’s going to experience one day. Should I out this cheater? How, with a photo?
Watchful and Experienced
Shut the drapes, or you risk being the “bad guy” in this drama. If you take a photo, you involve yourself in these people’s lives when you have no idea what her visits are really about.
You may be friendly with his wife, but clearly not that close with her or, given your intense interest, you’d have already mentioned or hinted to her about the visitor.
It may be that she already knows and approves of this visitor, or doesn’t care, or has her own “other” person to visit.
You think it’d be helpful to alert her. But realize that you may create such anger and hostility that it’ll cause disruption to your life, too. Living nearby this couple may become impossible, if both turn against you.
We’re a couple who cheated to be together. Four years later, we’re living together and still in love. We both feel that we had to leave our spouses even if we hadn’t found each other. We’re talking about marriage.
But can this be a success since we both broke our marriage vows before?
Would it be better to keep that space of unmarried uncertainty between us, so we always have to work hard at compromise and staying close? We don’t mis-trust each other, just wondering what’s best.
Wavering on Marriage
What’s best is whatever you both feel ready to handle. If marriage frightens one or both of you, as a path towards taking each other for granted, then carry on as you are.
But also discuss the positive reasons why you’re considering marriage. You may well be ready for this next level of commitment and status, but just scared - which makes it a challenge.
Tip of the day:
There are risks to outing a cheater, but close friends and family deserve an alert.