I’m 28, and spent most of my life alone, pretending to be a ladies’ man. I had a girlfriend for two incredible years but made the worst mistake of my life when I kissed another woman.
I lied to my girlfriend about the whole situation. She was my rock, she made me happy even when I was at my saddest. I don’t know why I did what I did.
We broke up several months ago and I’ve been adrift, constantly wanting to reach out to her and tell her I love her and I’m sorry for what I did. I have my own inner demons and self-loathing; I think that’s one of the main reasons I pushed her away.
Should I try to get in touch with my ex or let the pain I caused her heal?

- Hurting

One “kissing mistake” isn’t the whole issue – it’s the lying, the inner demons and self-loathing that came between you.
Reach out to your girlfriend with the information that can turn this around: Tell her you’re going to get personal therapy to understand your own behaviour so you can assure yourself and her that you won’t make such a mistake again.
Stay in touch without pressuring her to get together, but let her know of your progress through the counselling.
That’s when an apology will count. And that’s when you’ll either re-connect with her, or move on with the ability to sustain your next important relationship.

I consider my co-worker of three years a good friend; I’m African-American; she’s white. She’s always helpful… if I come to her with a question, she walks me through the steps and never makes me feel dumb.
The problem is her husband. She’s confided that he and his family are racist. She’s having a baby shower at her in-laws and I’ve been invited. I do not want to attend! I don’t want to spend an afternoon with people who clearly don’t want to have me around.
I want to tell her honestly why I won’t be coming but I certainly don’t want to hurt her feelings. Do you think I’m doing the right thing by telling her the truth?

- Concerned in Chicago

Telling the truth makes it right, for these reasons: 1) You can honestly state that you’d love to celebrate with her, but cannot allow yourself to do so at that shower.
2) It means saying that you know she’s your good friend and will appreciate that you cannot willingly place yourself in the company of racists.
3) The truth - rather than an excuse – also frees you to come up with a substitute event. Arrange either an office baby shower, or take her out on your own for lunch, to give her your baby gift.

My two long-time high-school girlfriends are shutting me out and I don’t know why.
We’re all mid-30’s now - I’m home with a toddler, they’re single and working.
It’s a big deal for me – time and expense - to get a sitter and meet them for dinner occasionally…but they hardly talk to me.

- Hurt

See them separately for awhile, and catch up in between by email.
They’re sharing a different lifestyle from yours, for now. Without blaming or complaining, point out to each that you feel like an “extra” at the get-togethers. But you’d like to stay in touch, and be part of each other’s lives.
Good friends will get the message.

I’m 45, divorced for 12 years, own my home, work full-time, no children.
I became suspicious of most men and haven’t had another long-term relationship.
I don’t have single friends, everyone’s married, attached, or dealing with children.
I cannot afford clubs, organizations, or singles events.
I’m lonely, sad and increasingly depressed. I do hope to meet someone, someday, but how do I remain optimistic?

- Sad but Trying

Re-think your situation, and look for solutions. Tell friends, married and/or attached, that you’re open to meeting new male and female friends too.
Attend free community events, and volunteer to keep busy and increase your contacts.
If you’re living “house-poor,” consider apartment-living in an area with accessible activities (parks with walking groups, a local “Y,” interesting classes, etc.) You’d also meet new neighbours.
Meanwhile talk to your doctor about your depression; treating it early will help you re-gain optimism and energy for change.