I'm a 20-year-old college student with a crush on this part-time professor (in another program). He's in his late 20s/early 30s.
We're working closely on a college project and I really like his personality. But... he's married.
Our contacts have been very professional and sometimes I feel stupid for having these feelings. But I can't prevent these sexual fantasies. What should I do?
Private fantasies are okay; going after a married professor is not. Don't let your fantasies become obsessive or you'll risk crossing a line with him. And that's when you could really appear stupid!
This man could lose his job if he in any way appears to have encouraged your feelings. Also, any attempt to contact him outside the scope of this project, could affect his personal life for which he won't thank you.
Having a "crush" is common, but one-sided. Remember, it has nothing to do with the other person's feelings.
My wife's behaviour when she's drinking has become awkward for me, though she doesn't drink every day, only when there's an occasion. However, whenever there's a party or a dinner event she's the "let's-rock!" lady who doesn't know when to stop. After a few drinks, she's up dancing even when there's no music, hugging everyone, laughing loudest, and last to leave. It's been happening more often, as we're part of a large group of friends. They all expect this from her, but I see disapproval in many.
The pre-Christmas season until past New Year's is especially "jolly" for her and tedious for me.
I'm not against some drinking, but can't handle more than a couple without getting silly... so I don't. It means I'm left on my own for several hours instead of enjoying things with my partner, trying to convince her it's time to go home.
Short of trying to "control" her drinking or staying home, what can I do?
Bored and Troubled
Care about her. That way, you can talk to her without it being about "poor you," but instead about "worrisome her."
Since her occasions for drinking are increased, say that her capacity and need to get jolly are visibly heightened and worrying you. Have this talk two days after the latest "event" so she knows what you're speaking of, but has no hangover or post-party fatigue.
Gently explain that she's becoming the joke of the crowd, and she's worth far more respect than that. Suggest you work together on how to party differently.... arriving later, no mixing of drinks, a glass of water as every second drink, etc.
If these self-controls don't work, it's time for her to see a counselor to probe why. It not only matters that her drinking has escalated, but also that she hasn't an awareness of how it's affecting your relationship.
My mother's so busy with her friends, shopping, and personal grooming, that she doesn't have time to really talk to me. I have a busy life too with kids and a job, and sometimes I'm desperate to just be heard, but she's always on the run. What can I say that won't offend her?
Congratulate her - and yourself - for her obvious good health and active lifestyle. It's a legacy for you to hopefully inherit those go-go genes. Then set up a "date" with her as you would with a friend. And keep the conversation about each of you, not just your venting session.
I like a girl at my high school, we hung around for a couple of months. Recently, she said she thinks I'm a great person but is extremely busy performing in plays, has a job and music lessons.
She said politely that she doesn't have time for a relationship but I'm a great friend and we can maybe have a relationship in the future. Is it time to give up hope and move on?
When you can have a "great friend" and be that in return, you're already lucky. Not everyone you like is going to go for a full-on relationship, but here's someone who still wants a connection. If dating's your only goal, she's made it clear she's not ready. But she's been just as clear that she cares about you.
Do not press her on this, or diminish the value of a friendship. You're free to date others, of course.
Tip of the day:
Leave your fantasies to private daydreams, or their exposure can make you look the fool.