I’m 20, in a two-year relationship with a man five years older. He feels he should know my passwords to email and Facebook accounts, or else I’m hiding something or lying. But he doesn’t give me his passwords. 

If I change mine, I have to give him the new one immediately. He goes through my e-mail, Facebook accounts and cell phone as he pleases, but won’t let me do the same.

This is the only thing that he does that’s controlling; otherwise he gives me a lot of freedom in the relationship and room to be independent. But he also doesn’t like sharing anything about his life or his problems. He keeps everything to himself and doesn’t confide when he feels stressed or overwhelmed.

He says he’ll only confide in me if we ever get married. How should I handle these two issues?

- Unsure

These “issues” are screaming alarms of TROUBLE AHEAD: He controls all your private communication, and shares nothing of his personal self. You’ve let him have unlimited access – so he can comment or criticize all your friendships, even relationships with your parents, plus where you go, how you express your feelings, to whom, etc. 

No one should know your passwords. They are all about privacy, which is crucial to real independence… as opposed to someone “allowing” you free time and space.

Moreover, you shouldn’t have his passwords either.

This is a power situation in which he has it all, and you’re subject to his mood or interpretations. Start changing these rules you’ve let him set. Tell him you’re both entitled to private passwords, and not to double standards.

I suspect his reaction will be unpleasant and should serve as a third alarm - and a signal to end the relationship if he won’t change.

I was told I had cancer 14 years ago; my wife refused to help with my care, left and got a divorce. I’ve been in remission for seven years. 

Now I’m hearing through third parties that my ex wants to come back and live with me as if still married.

I’m doing well and enjoying life to the best of my ability, without a wife, but with lots of supportive friends and doctors.

What should I do?

- Confused

Keep the door closed, her sincerity or motives can’t be trusted yet. Letting her back into your life may be a constant reminder of how she let you down; or you may discover she only wants back because she wasn’t managing on her own. 

Negativity can affect the well being you’ve achieved.

However, if she’s truly recognized a mistake in having left you - and only if you’re interested - let her prove it through becoming part of your support network… at a distance.

If she spends several months bringing over some cooked meals, calling to see how you’re doing, taking you out for a change of scene, then you may decide to reconsider. Proceed with caution.

I overheard my husband and a girl talking about the different kinds of sex each likes; and other conversations about how many times he had sex with other girls. 

He drinks, does drugs and will do anything with anyone, then come home and lie to me.

Should I leave this marriage?

- Fed Up

Yes! Make a plan to leave. 

Since he’s a liar, you need legal advice to get a fair divorce settlement.

Since he’s a serial cheater, get counselling for the low self-image that let you hang on so long.

I find it hard to tell my boyfriend that I want to get married, for fear of chasing him away. We’re about to move in together; my parents want an engagement and so do I.

- Help!

Delay the move. If you do now what you don’t really want to do, you’ll be resentful, and it will affect the relationship. So, by NOT telling him, you also risk chasing him away. 

Also, you’d be going to the next level of the relationship with a “give-in,” instead of a compromise. Tell him you want to get engaged, need to know when he’ll be ready for that commitment, and that you’re prepared to discuss this.

Make it clear that you believe you should both be willing to accept compromises and then proceed with planning some dates for moving forward – both with an engagement, a move together and ultimately a wedding date.