I’ve been in an interracial relationship for 3 1/2 years, living together for two years. I’m now 27 and wanting to start a family, but our relationship isn’t so rosy. She can’t cook and doesn’t clean behind herself. Also, our intimacy isn’t very good. 

She says I please her, but she rarely pleases me and I’m lying so as not to hurt her feelings.

I don’t want to cheat; I’m tired of all the sneaking around. I’m especially concerned that she’s not very bright and has poor money management, which I’ve discovered living together.

I graduated #1 from my class and have degrees in engineering; she recently told me she was in special classes when she was younger. I overlook everything else because I do love her, but this intelligence issue concerns me. I don’t want my kids to have problems learning.

I’m African-American and she’s Mexican and I’m wondering am I being shallow or are my concerns legitimate?

- Really Need Advice

It’s not only shallow to think this has anything to do with race; it’s a crummy and bigoted excuse for building a case against someone you claim to love. But it IS legitimate to re-think an unsatisfying relationship if it’s also worrisome with regard to a longtime future. 

Cooking and cleaning can be learned or helped, as can money management. What’s missing most from you is RESPECT for her; and secondly, communication.

On intimacy: Lying is self-defeating. She doesn’t know what you want if you don’t tell her. “Sneaking around” is no solution, only a further divide.

On her IQ: Since you spent three years together before finding her lacking… how smart can YOU be? Perhaps “special” classes helped her try harder, or were for some learning difficulty she’s overcome. Don’t condemn her for her schoolgirl past.

The important thing is whether you two have ways to talk to each other, or your thinking, values and goals are too far apart. Give her a fair chance, and then decide.

My boyfriend of four years has betrayed my trust: he frequented singles’ sites and was addicted to porn. When caught, he said he needed the outlet to boost his ego because we were constantly fighting. Now I find it hard to believe a word he says.  

He’s a recovering alcoholic who’s lost his job due to his disease. He refuses to take a job that’s “beneath him” because of his pride.

He can’t afford to pay child support for his kids from a previous relationship.

We fight daily about this and my lack of trust - once a liar, always a liar. He’s making steps to correct his behaviour, but how do I know that he’s being loyal and genuine?

He’s lied to me so much that I can’t be sure if he’s really changing or if this is yet another ploy.

- No Trust Left

You picked a guy with serious problems and hung in this long – only to still not trust him. 

Look in the mirror and ask yourself why you’re still there. If it’s to change him, you’re doing a terrible job; he’s more likely to accept work and meet his responsibilities if you leave him and he has to manage for himself.

However, if you truly love him (you don’t even mention the word) consider his “steps” to improve as hopeful, and stop calling him a liar.

After several months, if the situation isn’t much different, you’ll know it’s wiser for you to make your own changes, and split.

I’m in a love triangle, seeing my ex-husband periodically since we divorced. 

I’ve found a great guy but can’t let go the comfort of my ex. I don’t love him, the relationship’s unhealthy, but I care for him even though he was abusive.

I should be honest with the new guy but fear I’ll end up alone; and I need to know how to tell the ex it’s over.

- Confused in Winnipeg

Recognize that you’re now responsible for your own self-abuse, by seeing your ex. 

Even if “New Guy” doesn’t last, he’s proof that you can meet and attract a better relationship candidate.

Drop the ex, no matter what else happens; he’s holding you in the past. It’s not comfort, it’s insecurity and fear of the unknown (healthy relationships. Once you get rid of him, you won’t feel trapped.

You’ll feel free to start fresh, which is why you’re divorced.