I was with this guy for a year, not exclusive (I wanted commitment, he said he wasn't ready). He said he loved me and enjoyed spending time with me.
Some months ago, I ended it – we were both upset but I realized my sadness was largely due to him.
We’ve begun talking again, like he’s single. However, he doesn't know that I know he’s been seeing somebody for several months.
Recently, he went away and I asked why and with whom. He said he was going with an associate.
Later, I heard he was going with the girl he was seeing. I'm uncertain what to believe – whether he’s committed to her, and why he isn't being honest with me.
Is it okay for me to ask him about the girl even though he’s never mentioned having a girlfriend? I’ve always been honest, why isn't he being honest with me?
Sorry, you’re not fully honest when playing the game of, “I know what you don’t know that I know, so I’m asking others what they know,” etc., etc.
It’s more of what made you “sad” the first time.
Tell him that you heard he’s seeing someone. It’s natural that he’d go away with her, even if not committed…. after all, he dated you “not exclusively.”
Say that you’re not going through that again. If he’s interested in getting back together, it’s all or nothing.
My best friend’s 35. A year ago, her husband, 53, had a stroke that’s left him with limited left-side mobility. They own a restaurant together and have a child, five.
Six months before the stroke, she’d discovered he’d been cheating for two years. She took him back and had been trying to heal. Two weeks before the stroke, she caught him kissing another woman.
Now she feels stuck taking care of him. She has serious financial worries about leaving him, and the effect on her young son.
We live in a small town and she also worries about what people would think, though everyone knows he was cheating on her.
Her husband can make himself food, can talk just fine, and can use the bathroom alone. Basically, he can't drive. However, she’s said that she’s come home to the stove being left on.
Please help me with advice for her.
If this is really about YOU, let’s deal with this directly. Otherwise, be a true best friend by being supportive to whatever she decides.
But back off. This is an intensely personal decision involving three people’s lives in a very emotional, complex, long-term way.
To the woman: Take time to assess the whole situation. If you now believe your husband was a lying cheat by nature, and you feel no love for him, deal with the situation practically, and with some compassion for your child’s father (because your son will have feelings about how you handle this).
So, if you decide to eventually leave, you need time to discuss the financial matters with a lawyer and accountant, and you need thoughtful planning about where you’ll live so that your son can see both parents (given that his father can’t drive).
However, during this period of adjustment, you should strongly consider getting marital counselling with your husband, to try to learn and understand why he strayed. This may affect your feelings, and could either improve your connection to each other, or convince you that it’s best for you to move on, despite his condition.
My father’s been my mother’s caregiver for 30 years, since she was disabled. He also worked full-time.
He’s suddenly been diagnosed with a rare neurological disease, now as disabled as my mother.
My siblings and I are caring for them, but we all have families. Moving them into a nursing home is imminent.
I’ve recently discovered Dad’s long-term affair over the past 25 years, which produced a child. How can I continue to care for and respect him? Should I contact my newly discovered half-sister?
Yes, contact your half-sister. Think of your father’s major commitment to your mom, and consider his personal needs after those first five years of so much work/home pressure, with no end in sight.
You’re an adult with family, not an idealistic child. He tried to be discreet, but his own illness has made that impossible. His other daughter has a right to know. She may want to help.
Tip of the day:
When you want a committed relationship, say so, and accept nothing less.