I'm in my early 20s, in a two-month relationship with a sweet guy who treats me amazingly.
I really like him.
However, I'm so critical with him. Little things bother me and he asked me to stop micro managing.
It bothers me that he doesn't work very hard, he sometimes chews with his mouth open, doesn't care enough about being late, or finishing things on time.
Should I stay with him if he annoys me so often? Is this normal?
At two months, it is, as you say, pretty critical - in two ways: 1) you’re all over his every move, which is bound to annoy him more than influence him. Keep it up and he’ll drop you. 2) There are things about him that will change and others that won’t… you need to decide which ones are important.
He can be gently shown that open-mouthed chewing is unattractive and rude. And lateness is something you can work on with him IF and when it affects you.
But harping on his work habits after this short a time is also rude.
You seem to be looking for perfection, which is a foolish goal. What matters most at this stage is how he treats you – “amazingly” – and that you like him.
Back off your criticisms, get to know him better, and see whether you both adjust to each other’s ways.
The phrase, “You’re perfect for me, now change,” has ruined many a relationship.
I’m female, 27, and have no interest in sex. I'm not horny. The only thing that makes me horny is the thought of my boyfriend having sex with another girl.
You’re not clear whether you want advice or diagnosis.
Since you have a boyfriend, I can only assume that he likes to have sex and would like you to be turned on to enjoy it with him.
But that’s apparently not happening.
This can be a result of hormonal factors for which a doctor should check you. (See your family doctor and perhaps get referred to a hormone specialist since you’re young for changes like early onset menopause).
Or, they may be psychological factors related to your past, and possibly to abuse. If this sounds possible, a therapist can help you try to confront the past and resolve old anxieties and fears.
As for your only fantasy, it’s not an uncommon one, but there’s likely more to it than just imagination. Again, a therapist can be very helpful in helping you move on from this image.
Commentary My girlfriend and I were formerly big flirts. We caught each other still at it recently at a university reunion.
She laughed at my gaping at one of our former classmates who became a top model.
And I laughed after I pulled her away from the former “blob” who now looked like Magic Mike from all of his bodybuilding!
But later we talked about how each of us really feels if the other flirts, and how we need to draw some boundaries if we’re going to stay together.
You were both wise in thinking ahead to how “fun flirting” of your single years could become hurtful and alienating as a couple.
Now, flirting with each other becomes a far better use of those old skills.
Dressing to please each other, doing special favours, small surprise gifts, and of course lots of touch – these are flirtatious signals of commitment.
Unlike the message that flirting with someone else sends - that you’re looking elsewhere.
FEEDBACK Regarding the boyfriend with a sexual past of 30-35 women (June 24):
Reader – “If you’ve already had sex with this sex addict, run, don’t walk, for a sexually transmitted disease test.
“He also should be tested to protect you and hos other potential victims.
“A guy in his 20s, with 35 failed relationships….. Why risk being the 36th?
“Dump this self-styled Lothario. His sexual prowess, if true, apparently was inadequate to sustain a relationship with the 35 other women. And possibly males, too, whom he messed around with.
“Since he likes to name the women he had sex with, expect your name to be added to his list of conquests.”
Ellie – Good points IF all these encounters were in relationships (which was not stated).
But many young males are very sexually active till they settle down. And he’s apparently older than her. Yes, he must be tested. Her too. And she should rethink getting engaged.
Tip of the day:
Constant criticism can end even a promising relationship.