The narrative about “controlling men” fascinates me as, in my experience, women are far more controlling than men and see nothing wrong with it.

When a man’s called controlling, the image is of someone who uses mental and physical intimidation to keep his significant other in line.

There are men out there who are like that.

Women, however, control through passive-aggressive tactics or sometimes, just straight aggressive.

Three examples in my immediate circle:

My brother’s married to a woman that he not-so-affectionately refers to as “The Warden.”

She seeks to control all aspects of his life to the point of refusing to let him drive when they’re travelling together. He’s an excellent driver but her anxiety level soars unless she’s behind the wheel.

She reads his emails, sees nothing wrong about her behavior, and has no plans to change or modify it.

My brother-in-law (married to my wife’s sister) is an abused spouse. He’s constantly verbally abused and lives at her beck and call.

He’s a smart, good-looking man but absolutely spineless and married to exactly the wrong person.

For her, he’s the perfect husband. He has no male friends and the only people they see are her teacher friends. As a teacher, she was in complete control of the classroom at all times.

She hates men. We severed all ties with them five years ago. Despite how she’s treated her husband, since she’s a woman, society looks the other way. Unlike my aforementioned brother, he has my contempt.

One of my oldest friends is now being slowly, but surely, separated from his circle of friends by his terribly insecure second wife.

She complains about him to her family and friends, while he’s oblivious to it. She insisted on marriage counselling where, as he tells it, it was two women against him, with the entire focus on what his wife wanted.

Now they’ve moved to a community outside the city where she has him all to herself.

Even his weekend rounds of golf with his male friends have to include her.

Her parenting style, which takes precedence over his, has preached unconditional love and acceptance of all of their children’s choices.

The result is that all three kids are directionless and unable to find careers.

Both husband and wife were previously married. He has two daughters from his first marriage who’ve turned out extremely well because he and his ex-wife agreed on parent issues.

He says his current wife’s relentless. What she wants out of the marriage takes precedence over anything he wants.

We now seldom see him and most of us pity him for the years ahead, living with a clinging, insecure woman.

As for my own wife of 39 years, she goes as far as I’ll let her. “Happy wife, happy life” is a true axiom, but there are limits.

Her older sister tried to get her to cut me off from my circle of friends and activities early in our marriage but I wouldn’t buckle under.

Why are some women like this?

Three cases of controlling female behaviour don’t add up to a generalization.

The question that’s more interesting is why partners – male or female – accept controlling behaviour.

The answers are as varied as human personality, childhood experiences, adult fears and insecurities, and more.

Society does NOT look the other way at physical, mental, or emotional abuse, whether by a man or woman, IF it’s reported.

I hope to hear from many readers about this topic.

 

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman with bossy behaviour whose parents always side with her fiancé, which upsets her  (Dec. 26):

Reader – “I couldn’t help but wonder if her fiancé was a bit of a wimp and was enjoying her parents coming to his defense when there’s a conflict.

“Opposites attract, and if this guy ever finds his backbone, this couple’s relationship might not last anyway.

“Hopefully, she can take your advice and learn to compromise. However, I suspect that their “great relationship” is based solely on her having controlling ways.”

Ellie – You raise a good point to consider in relationships where one voice has more power during conflicts.

In answering the writer’s concerns about her parents’ “interference,” I focused on the fact that they may be doing her a favour by trying to bolster the guy’s confidence to put up with her admitted bossiness.

But maybe that’s precisely what’s holding them together… for now.