I’m a mature female, living alone. While overwhelmed with grief over two major losses in my life, I’d posted an ad asking for help.
A married guy (in a loveless marriage) responded, and comforted and supported me daily, through emails for several months.
I became the “other woman.” We built a bond, finally met, and became “Friends with Benefits.”
Last Easter, he wrote an email confessing that he had erectile dysfunction (stress-related), and was embarrassed. His emails soon ended.
Recently, I found out by accident that he’d separated just when we last saw each other. I was devastated.
He’s now become another loss in my life.
I tried to move on but never made a real connection until I met the new guy. He listens to my hurts, but didn’t think the married guy deserved my tears.
He listed the values of what I should look for in a partner, but said he wasn’t applying for the job.
However, he offered to show me how a decent man would make love to me. I tried, but we didn’t go all the way.
He wasn’t in touch much after that.
I now need someone who will hang in - someone in my corner. Isn’t a relationship including the ups and downs? I want love in my life and a sense of belonging. I’ve been alone for too long and worry about what’s going to happen to me, as I’m getting older.
Some advice for those women who fall under the spell of the married guy: No matter if he’s compassionate and passionate, as long as he has a ring on his finger … walk away.
Save your self-esteem. It’s the most important accessory you will ever have.
Losing it can scar you, and you won’t recognize a good man when he comes into your life. You will be the only loser in this situation.
Anyone out there have any advice for me? I am stuck.
The Other Woman
Dear Readers, She’s asking how some of you moved on from losses in love. And how you picked up your self-esteem, stopped venting about old loves to new possible-loves, and moved forward confidently without only seeking further dependency.
I’ll publish a selection of your responses.
My boyfriend of over a year and I are in love.
He treats me right, loves my son, and we get along great.
He’d been with his ex for seven years, married for six months.
She spread rumours to his family about me, though I've never said anything bad about her to them.
She calls or texts him frequently about anything at all.
They had no children or even property together.
I don't know why, but I'm constantly checking her social media. I can't stop. It makes me feel I'm better than her.
She's bad-mouthed my son and me. It drives me crazy that I can't give her a piece of my mind.
Can’t Stop Checking
You still feel insecure about her.
You’re monitoring her social media to see if there’s something disturbing there and feel “better” because nothing’s alarmed you.
It’s obvious and understandable that you want your husband to refuse her calls and not be accessible to her.
Tell him so. Explain that you need reassurance that
she has no place in his life any more.
You took the high ground of not bad-mouthing her. Now you need him to cut all ties so you can feel secure in your relationship.
I work in the next office to a recently-hired woman whose lover is divorcing his wife.
She spends hours on the phone with lawyers and her friends.
I am not interested in her business, but I hear everything.
I think that she is related to someone in the company. What should I do?
A Disgruntled Employee
You can probably count on her not wanting to have her relative knowing her business, let alone you as a stranger.
There’s no need to be nasty or act “disgruntled.” Many people going through personal dramas get caught up in them. Her lack of discretion isn’t intentional, just self-absorbed.
Slip her a note saying that the walls are very thin, that you appreciate that she’s under some stress, but you are too-easily hearing her conversations, which you’re sure she doesn’t want to share.
This isn’t workplace harassment and shouldn’t become a bigger issue if you handle it discreetly.
Tip of the day:
After romantic losses, self-esteem is the resource you must boost, to heal yourself and move on.