I'm 49. My sister, who's nine years older, just revealed I have a half-brother somewhere in Europe.

She's known since she was a child and just presumed I knew. We left Europe after my mother discovered she was expecting me, and the other woman was also pregnant.

We were born the same year. I spoke to my mother who's very upset that I know. She only told my sister over frustration back then with my father. He's now 81, and in failing health.

I'm told not to ask questions as my father's never been in contact with this son. It's why we left Europe. She says my father would be devastated if he knew that I knew.

I feel cheated of the opportunity to know my brother and have any relationship with him. I want to ask my mother more information so I can locate him, but I'm afraid of the outcome. Talking to my father would betray my mother. What to do?

Dropped A Bombshell

No one can prevent you from doing a search. Once you know the town/area where your family resided in Europe, an Internet search and Facebook outreach is likely to produce some results.

But think this through very carefully. Consider your father's emotional health as well as physical, his relationship with your mother, the possible consequences of connecting with a half-brother who may believe someone else is his father, etc.

It's possible that there'll be positive results - perhaps taking the weight of abandoning a son off your father, and meeting someone who never knew his "family."

You'll be opening doors to the unknown. Tread thoughtfully for all concerned.

My boyfriend and I, both 38, just broke up for the third time in three years. I've grown a great deal during this time - I'm stable, kind, generous, a great lover, fun, and easy-going.

My boyfriend did all the dumping. The first time was because I was having a hard time and our relationship was very unhealthy. Another man had been pursuing me and I had to choose. That hurt my boyfriend.

But this past break-up, his reason was that I slightly snapped at him twice and raised my voice two times. He'd done the same. However, when I was very angry at something he'd said, I was unusually rude. He's been hurt a lot and I believe he's overly sensitive. I love him.

He said none of his past four girlfriends had even raised their voices to him. Is that possible? He thinks I'm an angry person.
Despite the above, the relationship was healthy and we did learn how to resolve conflict lovingly and without fighting.
I believe he still loves me, and is upset about the break-up. How do I let him go for good or convince him that couples do fight occasionally and that we can work together to have an even healthier union?

Confused

You can't "convince" him to believe your relationship is healthy, but you can apologize for your unusually rude comment, and say how sorry you are to have hurt him.

That's how to try to move forward, rather than over-analyzing his past hurts and former relationships.

If you both want this to work, get couples' counseling. These frequent break-ups reveal a pattern of flight on his part, after you've done something (mild or otherwise) that triggered it. That's an unhealthier pattern than you've recognized.

It'll continue until you learn to express negative feelings differently, and he learns to control his fear of them.

FEEDBACK Regarding the letters I read about women who get tired of their husbands' "bothering them for sex:"

Reader - "Is it too much to spend 15 minutes every other day to help a marriage? Doing something that's healthy (helps prevent prostate cancer), can be fun, and relieves tension?
"You'd easily spend 15 minutes caring for a favourite pet without complaint. Isn't your partner, your marriage, worth it?

"Your relationship strengthens, your partner feels attractive, valued, is happier and more willing to contribute in other ways to the marriage... e.g. chores (I have proof).

"My husband once said there's nothing he'd rather do than make love with the woman of his dreams. How can I refuse?
"We've been married 35 years, have sex regularly. I gave the same advice to my daughters, and my daughter-in-law who each said in surprise next visit, "it works!"

Still Sexy

An attitude that applies to husbands too!