I'm 32 and have been with a man, 37, for over a year. We typically spend two nights a week together, go out on dates, have met each others’ family and friends.
It's a seemingly "normal" relationship with one big issue - he hasn't had me over to his home.
He says his house is in bad shape (old and out of date) and is a huge mess. I believe him and don't believe that he's leading a secret life/has family there, etc.
I've been very verbal about my desire to be invited over.
Sometimes we joke about it, but have also spoken seriously about it. He said I’m his motivation to get himself in order, but I'm seeing more words than action.
I don't want to end things with him over this as he makes me really happy, but his lack of motivation to clean up his home makes me feel like he doesn't value me or our relationship.
Need Your Thoughts
I’m sure that some readers will have experiences and thoughts regarding this situation and I invite their comments for you to consider.
For me, this is a HUGE red flag. There’s something about his home and personal life that he knows will turn you off him.
He lives with a big “secret” – whether it’s the deceitful kind, like having another family, or the insidious kind, like being a perpetual hoarder.
Or, there’s some other negative lifestyle he’s unwilling or unable to change.
Confront him. Insist on seeing his house. If he won’t show you, then stop seeing him. He’s already made it obvious that there’s a problem you won’t be able to accept.
My boyfriend of ten years and I are both 30. We have a wonderful relationship and are so happy together.
However, I’m ready for marriage, but he seems completely uninterested.
We often talk about the future (getting a dog, buying a house and living together) but when it comes to discussing marriage, he’s extremely noncommittal.
I’ve asked if he could see us getting married in two or three years and he quietly agreed.
Since then, he’ll barely discuss it any further. When I bring up potential weddings dates or venues, he becomes very quiet and the discussion just fizzles out.
I feel that his behaviour’s telling me that even after ten years he doesn’t want to get married.
I don’t want to pressure him or set an ultimatum and "drag him to the altar," but if he refuses to have an open conversation about this, what do I do?
Time to have an open, honest conversation with yourself.
Consider whether you can live with the current “wonderful” relationship in a common-law union or other arrangement, without ever marrying this man?
Ask yourself if having children in the future is important to you, and if he’s willing to raise kids with you - with or without marriage.
Also, ask if you can continue to live comfortably with someone who agrees to a goal that’s very important to you, then stonewalls you about it.
Finally, ask how long you’re willing to wait to try to have the life you want - with him or without.
Your own answers should give you the confidence to stop worrying about “pressuring him.”
Then, tell him clearly what’s most needed in your life and must be planned within the near future. Or, accept a compromise with what he’s willing to do.
Or, move on.
My son, 32, lives with me. He was fired from work three years ago. His good friend confided that my son’s admitted his alcoholism to him.
He spends most evenings in his room. I've seen him drunk several times (slurring words, eyes unfocused) though he denied being drunk or having a problem.
He's not seeking a job, and refuses to speak about his future plans.
I believe an intervention would make him regress further into himself and refuse to communicate with me even more.
I get angry when he lies to me, then acts like everything’s okay.
How do I handle this?
Contact Al-Anon (see Al-Anon.org). It’s a proven support organization for families/friends of alcoholics. Your situation is familiar to them.
They’ll help you understand addiction better; can introduce you to other families to learn what’s worked for them and what has not worked. Or, they’ll help you do the research to decide your approach for yourself.
Tip of the day:
A potential partner with a “secret” home life might as well wave a red flag before your eyes.