Early on in our year together, my boyfriend expressed desires to watch me with another man. He said he felt shameful about it and wanted to seek counselling. Whenever we became intimate, he’d have to talk about this desire in order to have sex.
I finally allowed him to arrange a meeting with another man. I feel like a dirty person for doing this.
I want him to get counselling but he says he’s fine now. However, he still has to talk about his desires whenever we’re intimate.
I keep going along with it because we can’t have satisfying sex without the dirty talk. I’ve explained I felt dirty after having been with someone else and he apologized, but still won't get help.
I'm worried that I'll eventually be pressured into this again. Otherwise, our sex life is very fulfilling, but I can't get past that I was pressured into that.
“Fulfilling?” Yes, for him! For you, the sex act may get where it’s supposed to, but the relationship’s heading downhill. Emotionally, you’re worried, and uncomfortable.
Get your own counselling if that’s what it takes for you to set firm limits.
You have to be able to say, clearly, you do NOT want to have sex with another man.
Fantasies can be fun and arousing, IF they’re shared. This one isn’t. You need confidence in your own rights in this relationship, especially regarding intimacy, or you’ll break up soon.
My live-in boyfriend of 15 months recently broke up with me. Our relationship wasn't perfect, but had more smiles than fights.
However, he thought the fighting was so extreme he couldn't bear it any longer. I was blind-sided.
We’d met online and moved at a reasonable pace. Everything felt "right." I thought he was The One.
Last March, we had a huge argument in front of his friends (we’d both been drinking) and we both said horrible things.
After a week’s break, we decided this relationship was worth fighting for, because we love(d) each other. He didn't move back immediately.
He’d return for several days only. We were seeing if our communication improved and the disrespect was going away (his words).
We attended an event with some of my family, I had a few beers, and we ended up getting into a fight. When I later commented on my $20 payment for gas, and him needing to pay next time, he called me “belligerent” and said, “We’re done.”
He obviously hadn't forgiven me for anything and was holding on to anger/frustration. We broke up.
We’ve since had conversations – some nice, some not. He gets defensive when confronted with something he doesn’t want to hear. He deleted me from Facebook, etc. I don't understand how you can tell someone you love him or her and then have this happen.
It seems that alcohol makes you “belligerent,” and similarly affects him. You mention two major fights after drinking. Perhaps you do love each other, but not enough to recognize that you’re both guilty of attacks and defensiveness (your story mentions his negative reactions, no blame for you except for the drinks).
Think about this. Explore your own alcohol consumption. If you recognize a link, tell him so about yourself, not him, and ask if he’d consider trying to date without drinking, and without moving in together.
If he’s not interested or you think this isn’t the answer, I agree with him that you two are “done.”
Dear Readers – Cats can scratch up a lot of emotion from readers! Here’s one last response:
Regarding the woman whose neighbour reacted very negatively to cats’ straying onto next-door property (May 30):
Reader – “One day they’re a nice little fur ball someone brought home from somewhere. But a few months of dumpster diving and they’re wild… yes, the same cat curled up with your little girls.
“Many people think, just put out food and water and cats take care of themselves. You don't have to walk them, you just put them out in the morning when you go to work… and they go scratch in the neighbour’s flowerbed.
“Luckily, some people really do love their cats and that doesn’t happen. Their cats become nobles, kings, and queens. Their litter box is a private quarters to be fussed over. Their domain is the house, apartment, townhouse, or condo. They know they’re “loved."
Tip of the day:
If sex during dating always has one-sided pressures, the relationship’s not healthy.