The divorce from my husband of 21 years is in process; the house for sale. I’m left with no future, a broken life, shattered heart, and a sad child.

We were crazy in love when we married. We came to Canada 15 years ago, started from zero, got jobs, had a baby, built a house, etc.

He’s difficult - cold, distant, controlling, very critical, doesn’t know how to show affection, and needs a lot of alone time.

He treated me more like a subordinate or a maid. His father left him when he was young only to come back after ten years, and many women. He denies having issues about this.

I sacrificed my former career and took whatever job I could find here. He built his career and repeatedly said he despises me for not having higher ambitions.

But he never agreed that I’d stay home and take courses - we needed my income.

I was once very social, laughed, danced. His constant need to change me made me a shadow of whom I’d been.

I used to paint, write articles that were published in newspapers back home, wrote poems. He criticized it all.

He often called me stupid and fat (after I gave birth).

He threatened a divorce unless I aborted my first pregnancy two years after marrying. I did, and regretted it.

He didn’t want to do things with me. But I took care of him in sickness. I keep a very clean house, did all the laundry, cook from scratch, and take care of our child.

I made my mistakes as well, a lot were out of deep frustration with his lack of emotions and having to do everything his way.

Sex was infrequent and never good. He always wanted to be taken care of, but he didn’t do anything for me, ever.

Recently, I learned he was dating someone and kissed and held her hand (never with me).

He’s 41; I’m a few years older. We went to counseling, alone and together. He said it was a waste of time and money, and he needs to break free of me.

I’m torn between my love for him, the pain he caused me, and the details of divorcing. It’s hard to have closure, as he’ll only talk to me about practical matters.

Is he going through a midlife crisis? Is his childhood trauma taking over?

He was my only love, all I ever knew, and he’s now this mean monster wearing my husband’s body. I feel old, torn, and rejected.

So Lost and Alone

Your story reflects so many others – from women AND men, who stay in unhappy marriages… and, when the breakup is inevitable, they feel – wrongly – that their life has no hope.

You’ve vented here fully, about the past. “Closure” is knowing when it’s time to look forward.

That time has come.

He changed a long time ago and you didn’t accept that reality. You naturally focused on your child, your job, and the belief that being a good wife would bring a better response.

It didn’t happen. Your child, and your own self-esteem, and you need to accept the new reality and move on.

When the divorce details are done, you CAN take courses, paint, be social with friends, and laugh again.

Show your child what resilience and inner strength look like. Don’t repeat this man’s history of trauma and twisted reactions. Be a model of independence and confidence that you and your child will be fine…. IF you look forward at opportunities, and not at disappointments of the past.

My friend, mid-30s and separated, has kids, as do I, but I’ve remarried and she hasn’t. She asks a lot of favors.

She’s a very good friend and I like doing things with her. How do I tell her what I’m feeling without hurting her feelings and our friendship?

There’s an event soon, selling objects at a trade show she asked me to sell for her. I agreed. She said she can’t pay me, so I suggested a 5% commission if I sell an object. Now, just before the event, she says if she gives me a commission she won’t make a profit.

I should just feel good about giving my time but I have too much on my plate.

Feeling Used 

If you want to stay friends, do this one last “favour.” Next time she requests something, be firm ahead, e.g. “I’ll take a small commission or I can’t give my time.”